A Backward Look at the Future History of Neo-Transformationism

We refrain from taking sides by anticipation in the long-standing quarrel between Verticalists and Lateralists. Does one tear the page in half lengthwise or crosswise? Such a profound difference in doctrine was clearly fated to transmute an early factional dispute into a cataclysmic schism.

The Diagonalists, with their “split the difference” attitude, enjoyed the reputation of occupying a middle ground between the Verticalists and Lateralists. The differing orientations of the Left- and Right-Diagonalists never led to acrimony, probably because the Bottom and Top parties often found themselves at least partly in each other’s corner.

The “Airplane” and “Doll” critics — names that were accepted grudgingly by their adherents only because they couldn’t think of anything better — discovered that their approaches were mutually compatible. However, the mainline schools of thought generally scorned the “zoomies” as lightweights and patronized the “Barbies” as cutters and pasters. They never received much recognition, which they probably deserved.

A “Hexaflexagonal” offshoot emerged briefly and with great fanfare, but it soon folded. Scoffers claimed that the “Hexaflexers,” as they were popularly called, had too much trouble spelling it. Others said they died a death of 8,191 paper cuts. In any event they all mysteriously disappeared and were never heard from again.