(Scene: Outside a greasy fast food restaurant somewhere in the suburbs.)
RANDOM WISE MAN: THE CHRIST CHILDE IS HERE! COME! FOLLOW ME!
(RANDOM WISE MAN attempts to gain access to the blessed infant through the main entrance.)
20 YEAR-OLD FAST FOOD EMPLOYEE: You ain't coming in here dressed like that! You stink of livestock!
RANDOM WISE MAN: But we've brought Frankincense and Myrrh! We must see HIM and present our gifts according to the script! (Looks at Savior and sees HIM being spoon-fed ice cream from a decorative cup featuring promotions for the latest Summer Blockbuster. RANDOM WISE MAN smacks forehead.)
20 YEAR-OLD FAST FOOD EMPLOYEE: Manager!
(The WISE MEN are unceremoniously escorted from the building and sent back to the Middle East where they have much to explain to their respective bosses.)
(Scene: A stuffy boardroom empty except for two men -- one young, the other old.)
LAB-COAT MAN: (Handing a list to CEO.) We request that you place the following chemicals into your bloodstream via the INTRAV-DRIP 40000.
HEAD CEO: (Clutching heart.) God, no! For the love of humanity! Security! Security!
LAB-COAT MAN: (Nonplused.) I really don't see your problem. You put these in the air, don't you?
(HEAD CEO drops dead of a massive coronary.)
(Scene: GHANDI and BUDDHA basking in the soft, 40-watt glow of enlightenment. They sit atop a verdant hill near a temple.)
GHANDI: This cosmic consciousness stuff is pretty cool, isn't it?
BUDDHA: Yeah, man.
GHANDI: Oh, and about those three hundred bucks you owe me . . .
BUDDHA: (Becoming enraged.) Hindu!
GHANDI: (Same as above.) Buddhist!
(Thus begins the war.)
This play is a compilation of excerpts from the author's novel Shall We Gather at the Garden?, published by Eraserhead Press, December 2001.
Copyright © 2001-2002 by Kevin L. Donihe and Bewildering Stories.