I.

(Scene: Outside a greasy fast food restaurant somewhere in the suburbs.)

RANDOM WISE MAN: THE CHRIST CHILDE IS HERE! COME! FOLLOW ME!

(RANDOM WISE MAN attempts to gain access to the blessed infant through the main entrance.)

20 YEAR-OLD FAST FOOD EMPLOYEE: You ain't coming in here dressed like that! You stink of livestock!

RANDOM WISE MAN: But we've brought Frankincense and Myrrh! We must see HIM and present our gifts according to the script! (Looks at Savior and sees HIM being spoon-fed ice cream from a decorative cup featuring promotions for the latest Summer Blockbuster. RANDOM WISE MAN smacks forehead.)

20 YEAR-OLD FAST FOOD EMPLOYEE: Manager!

(The WISE MEN are unceremoniously escorted from the building and sent back to the Middle East where they have much to explain to their respective bosses.)

II.

(Scene: A stuffy boardroom empty except for two men -- one young, the other old.)

LAB-COAT MAN: (Handing a list to CEO.) We request that you place the following chemicals into your bloodstream via the INTRAV-DRIP 40000.

HEAD CEO: (Clutching heart.) God, no! For the love of humanity! Security! Security!

LAB-COAT MAN: (Nonplused.) I really don't see your problem. You put these in the air, don't you?

(HEAD CEO drops dead of a massive coronary.)

III.

(Scene: GHANDI and BUDDHA basking in the soft, 40-watt glow of enlightenment. They sit atop a verdant hill near a temple.)

GHANDI: This cosmic consciousness stuff is pretty cool, isn't it?

BUDDHA: Yeah, man.

GHANDI: Oh, and about those three hundred bucks you owe me . . .

BUDDHA: (Becoming enraged.) Hindu!

GHANDI: (Same as above.) Buddhist!

(Thus begins the war.)

This play is a compilation of excerpts from the author's novel Shall We Gather at the Garden?, published by Eraserhead Press, December 2001.