Every thought, feeling and desire she had was his. He watched through her eyes as she completed dressing herself in front of the mirror. She pulled a black stocking up her creamy leg, attached it at the top to the suspender belt around her waist. She stood back. They both admired the sexy lace across smooth curves. She lifted her dark hair and held it away from her body, constantly scrutinising each feature on her reflection. Her breasts rose to the rhythm of her breathing, the very beat of her heart pulsing through both of them. He could smell the strong scent of perfume as it mixed with a slight undertone of sweat.
An object of beauty, he thought. He allowed himself to float in her mind a little longer, hearing thoughts course through her in a chaotic manner. Caught inside her mundane thoughts, he realised how much he wanted her, his own desires firing up and threatening to engulf him. The woman’s reflected face became a frown as she felt his desires. He savoured the recognition, that danger element of being caught. For one beautiful moment, he was there, fusing with her very being.
Jake jumped from Marion’s mind and returned to himself with a jolt. His eyes opened upon the mess of his own apartment, the empty takeaway cartons alive with grease as they swamped the floor in their attempt at domination. A noodle from an earlier meal watched him with suspicion, bringing his world came crashing down on him with a thud that felt like an iron bar smashing across his head. He rose, feeling the final disconnect of his Freespace session as an electric pulse through his neural interface and his world was one dimension again. A smile spread across his face, despite reality. For one moment he had broken one of the few rules a mind hacker had: don’t get too close. The other rule was not to get caught. If you were discovered, they’d trace you and give you a full reprogramming.
“Marion, Marion “ Jake spoke to the space in front of him. “What pleasures will you have later tonight?”
Jake tapped Marion’s neural address into his clip-comp with a shaking hand. He knew it was wrong, but he felt the pull of a beautiful woman calling him. His Freespace connection meant he could be interface with any neural port and be anyone he chose. That was a lot of people, since everyone needed a link into Freespace for their mundane lives. All he had to do was search for a mind to hook into and enjoy the ride. He finished keying the address in and looked out the window to the so called real world that drew into night. There would be thousands of people getting ready to go out for the night life the city had to offer. None of them would even suspect they carried a Sentinel within their mind.
Last night he had entered the unsuspecting mind of a man as he made love to his stunning wife. Jake felt the intensity of his orgasm, crying out back in his own body. Then he jumped into her mind as her husband made love to her and he felt the hot flushing of a multiple orgasm. So many minds he had touched, but he wondered how many had intruded on him. There were times when his consciousness had been denied by another conscious invading a host. Something powerful was out there riding minds, perhaps watching everything from within his mind right now. Paranoia washed over him. Rumours prevailed about transmitting commercials on a mass scale, straight into the subconscious level. In between dreams, each person would be hit by the latest product and not consciously realise it. What else could they transmit? It was too much to think about, so Jake filled his mind with images of Marion.
“Marion,” he whispered, stretching. He ran his hands through unwashed hair that knotted, then scratched his chin that was rough with stubble. “I’ll be back for you later, my darling Marion.”
Jake crossed to his bed. He threw junk from the dirty blankets and cleared a space for himself. The plan was to rest for a while so he would be ready for action later: the most exciting experiences always happened at night. He’d never forgive himself for missing those intimate moments of pleasure. As he lay down with his arms behind his head, he thought about Marion. All those moments he had just spent within her mind had left him with bitterness. A strange depression hung over him that ate at his insides. The ceiling above blurred as Jake allowed his eyes to stare at the tiny imperfections in the paint work. He allowed his mind to drift as he settled down for sleep.
* * *
Jake sat safely in the recesses of Marion’s subconscious where her conscious mind wouldn’t notice. As she strolled through the streets by moonlight, gliding past the glitzy neon exterior of clubs, Jake felt something strange inside Marion. The feeling was something bitter and the taste of depression swished around them both. Tears fell down her cheeks, her walk a stagger. She stopped, looked down at a puddle at her reflection as though she was lost. A heavy boot landed in the puddle, sending her image rippling. She moved on.
Jake felt a wave of sadness that was overwhelming. He tried to pull free, was unable. What was happening? He sank to the deeper levels of her mind where a thousand thoughts screamed up at him. There was a lot of thought noise about a man. In a flash he saw them in a remembered embrace, then twisted together with their naked bodies sharing sweat, a night of love making Jake had remembered invading. So he had been in Marion and her lover before? How could he forget that?
“I don’t love you.”
The words resounded around their mind over and over. Curses surfaced, a million swear words filled with hate and venom. They brought a blind rage for a moment that subsided after a bit, swallowed by feelings of loss and rejection. Marion still loved him and the thought of going on living alone filled her with dread. She sat down at the side of the road, ignoring the crowds pushing past, eyes judging her. Jake wanted to be out, back home where it was safe. This was a ride he didn’t want to experience, but the harder he tried to pull away, the tighter he became trapped in Marion’s depression. Every pain she held was his, every rejected feeling and loss. She was a black hole sucking him in, passing way beyond the event horizon.
There was a sharp pain in Marion’s hands. Blood dripped through her clenched fists as her nails dug deep. The pain was like fire shooting through them both. It focused them, cleared the tears and the world shimmered, warping in around them. Marion got to her feet. An image formed in her mind, a flash of an idea. Jake screamed out to her, hoping she would sense him. She moved forward into the night. Then there was silence, peaceful and uncomplicated. He had returned to his body, he realised, pulling himself away from his connection and severing the link completely.
* * *
“She’s going to kill herself.”There was a long pause from the cop on the vid-phone. “How do you know?”
Jake thought for a moment. Mind Riding was illegal, so he would have to come up with something else. “She told me. She said she was going to throw herself from a building.” He ran his hand through his hair, his stomach churning with fear for Marion.
“So what’s her name?”
“Marion. Her name is Marion.”
The cop regarded him with a tired expression. “We need a little more to go on, pal. A lot of people want to commit suicide. If you want to stay alive you’re either doing something illegal or you’re insane.”
“You don’t understand, she...”
The cop cut him off with a weary look. “Wasting police time is a crime, creep.”
Jake was left alone with anxiety as company. He plonked down on the bed, holding his head in his hands. If Anxiety was his only friend, he would talk to it. He looked up at the imagined image of Anxiety that sat across the room regarding him with a sad look upon her wistful, wraith like face. Jake stared at her and realised it was Marion watching him, dressed in her black stockings and suspenders. Her eyes were lifeless lumps of coal.
“I have to kill myself, Jake. There’s nothing you can do.”
“Yeah, but if I don’t try I’ll go crazy.”
Marion sat back, crossing her long, slender legs. Her face became serious. “Jake, you’re holding a conversation with an imaginary person. You sure you’ve not gone insane?”
“You’re a symptom, our minds got too close. We fused.”
“Maybe I’m something more. Maybe “ She broke into a smile.
“Maybe what?”
“Maybe, Jake, I’m something else. Maybe I’m the one who watches those who watch. Maybe, I’m the first.”
Crazy idea, Jake thought, but what if everyone invaded minds? What if there was someone out there who watched them all, like they had the last joke. Jake shook his head. The image of Marion remained as a silent entity, constantly looking at him and gnawing away at his thoughts: he wished she would go away. Pacing the room, he tried to think of what to do. Right now, Marion was on her way to a leap of death and farewell to planet Earth.
“I could try to find you!”
Marion shook her head. “I could be anywhere.” She stood up, made her way seductively to Jake. She wrapped her arms around him, her lips hovering by his ear. He could smell her perfume and wondered how this image could be so real. Fusion did things to a mind, he reasoned. He looked at her closely, drawn to those lush lips. Her face became full and living for a moment and she shone before him.
“I can find you. I recognised some of the clubs you passed.” He looked away, shamed by his lustful feeling and intrusion into Marion’s life. Damn, why did he have to get attached to the flesh he was riding in?
Marion reached a hand out, played with Jake’s hair. She kissed him on the forehead. The kiss felt too real. “You’d never make it. You’re going to have to dive into my mind again.” Her lips hovering close to his ear, she whispered sultrily, “C’mon, you know you want to be me again.” She put both hands on his chest and pushed him into his connection chair. She did a slow twirl, arms spread out. “You want to be me, you want to feel me, you want to “
“Enough!” Jake looked away from Marion. Another trip to the depressed mind of a suicidal woman seemed his only hope. It was dangerous, but he didn’t want to have to live with the knowledge that he could have saved her. He knew he was a bad person for the things he did. The experiences of others were not his to invade, he knew, but he felt a glimmer inside of the person he had once been.
“I have to help.”
“Why?”
And there was the question: why? Perhaps, he thought, it could be his salvation.
* * *
The wind attacked Marion’s hair and pushed it out around her like a cape as she stepped shakily across the roof. This place was high above the city where she felt closer to heaven. Jake fell straight into the middle of her thoughts as he dived through her open neural port. He shared the coldness of the night air that mixed with a heavy rain. Marion imagined herself to be an angel and wondered if wings would sprout from her back as she fell from this great height. There are no angels, Jake thought. He tried to let her know there would be no wings and she wouldn’t soar into the light. If she took that fatal step she would burst into flames on her way down and the light that was her life would flare one last time before being snuffed out forever. He tried to make his thoughts full of passion so she might hear him. She continued her drunken walk towards the edge. Just five more steps and she knew all her pain would be over. She hummed softly as she staggered along the roof.
“You never loved me!” she screamed to the wind. “No one ever loved me!” She swayed, nearly falling. Jake felt the grief taking hold of him. Suddenly he wanted her to end it, to leave this painful place and rest. For an instant, he knew what it was to be not only human, but the entire human race. They shared the same problems, feared the same things and it was overwhelming. Before them both was an abyss and looking up was God, calling to them to end it all.
No, I must remain myself, Jake thought. He felt himself fusing with Marion as their thoughts became one voice. Through her eyes he saw the edge of the building that neared. He could see over the edge and down. Marion felt dizzy with him at the height. The wind roared and deafened them. Two steps towards the edge.
Marion cast her dress from her and stood there in black stockings and suspenders. She screamed out with her arms wide. “This body wasn’t good enough for you!” She broke down into great sobs. Jake felt his mind begin to dissolve in the torrent of emotion. There was nothing he could do here as her legs carried her closer to her death. He gave one last attempt to make his thoughts heard, then attempted to pull out again.
Nothing happened. He remained locked to Marion as she took her last step to the edge. Her next step would be her final one. Again, Jake tried to pull out but Marion’s thoughts remained. So this was it, he thought with astonishment, he was going to share Marion’s death.
“Marion!” His words came through her mouth. “Don’t jump, please!”
Marion staggered backwards. “Who cares?”
With all his being, Jake let his thought enter Marion’s mind.
I care. The words he thought caused a change in Marion. She wiped the fresh tears from her face. Yes, someone cared enough about her, she realised. Someone had to. She felt the depression lift a little and Jake sighed inwardly. For a moment he relaxed and drifted to the back of Marion’s mind. Marion’s head span from the alcohol. She went careering towards the edge. Her foot slipped, her legs went from under her and she terminally fell.
Jake watched the ground come into view, feeling weightless with Marion. The moment stretched as one they twisted in the air and began the final plunge. As the building rushed by and the ground neared, he tried to pull out. Nothing changed: he remained with Marion on the dive down, feeling her confusion.
Oh, shit, they both thought as they crashed into the ground.
* * *
Jake knew he was dying. Each breath was more laboured than the last and within the eyes of those looking down at him he saw hopelessness. The world began to fade, and the pain eased. He could see his blood seeping from him in a great pool, but something wasn’t right. This wasn’t his body.
“Marion .” It was the last word he could manage. She wasn’t with him, unless she had fallen to the back of his consciousness. No, he realised, one of them had managed to get out, and that wasn’t him.
Someone rested a hand on his shoulder. “Try not to move, miss, the Medics are on their way.”
Inside Jake laughed. He had dived into the abyss and straight into God’s mouth. Trouble was, God had spat him straight back out, but physically changed. At least, he thought, as his sight began to fade, Marion was safe in his body. Maybe she’d even make a better go at his life than he had. As the blue lights of the med wagon washed over him, he felt comforted, even redeemed. Yes, he’d fallen into the abyss, but had saved a good soul from it.
Somewhere across town, Marion opened Jake’s eyes.
Copyright © 2003 by Kevin Grover