Bewildering Stories

Stupid Story 6

Enogee Drink

PRINTODEX® Reprinted with permission. Void April 6, 1998. Eliminate on this date.

Whatheck is gallium? Gallium! Goffium! Kwogjum! Four bores and seven sneers ago, our fathers brought forth on this stupid story.

"The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming!" Paul Severe rode his skateboard into Chicago. He saw B1 and B2 on the corner of Maine Street and Fennec Street. "Squash-banana! Squash-banana! Squash-banana! Eat your fruits to-!" they sang. A Martian spaceship landed on them. "That's right! Squash-banana!" said Paul. He threw his skateboard into the spaceship and walked to the Sears Tower. He saw Rapunzel on the roof. "Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down your floss!" he yelled. A tube of toothpaste fell on his head. A bottle of hydrogen peroxide (H2O2) fell on his head. A roll of toilet paper fell on his head. A doorknob. An alarm clock. A bowling ball. A trash can. An elephant. Rapunzel found 100 packages of dental floss and tied the floss together. She threw the floss rope over the side of the Sears Tower. A buncha floss fell on Paul's head. Paul climbed up the side of the building. He climbed 1450 feet. He hopped on the roof and saw Rapunzel. No, not Rapunzel. Paul stared into the melting face of King Kong. "Holy heck!" he said. "What big brains you have!" King Kong yanked a water gun out of his pocket. A tiny drop of water (H2O) hit him in the forehead. Paul fell off the Sears Tower. He fell. He fell. He fell. He fell 1450 feet. Paul hit the concrete sidewalk with a sickening pop. The sidewalk cracked. The sidewalk lowered three feet. Paul sat up. "Oh, goodie joy! It's fun falling off a building! Hey, uh, Mr. Author, sir! Can you make me do that again? Huh? Please?" requested Paul. Oh, no, you don't! Get back! to! your! sto-! ry! Now! "Okay!" said Paul. King Kong fell on his head. Paul went into the Sears Tower. He stepped into the elevator and pressed a button. The elevator zoomed up at 360 miles per hour. In less than a second, the elevator burst through the roof and shot up 576 more feet. It stopped in the air. Three hours later, the elevator fell down. It fell past sea level. Then, it screeched to a stop. The doors opened. Paul gazed at the boiling underground terrain. There were dripping stalactites and stalagmites, and a bubbling lake of lava. "I am Peaches!" said a voice. Paul turned around. "Huh? Cool special effects, dude!" How'dcha make 'em?" belched Paul, as three bubbles came out of his mouth. "You are leaving!" said Peaches, and threw Paul into the elevator. The elevator crashed into a washing machine in Pittsburgh. Paul got out and walked back to Chicago. He saw a Martian spaceship in front of the Sears Tower. A Martian got out and shot a laser at him. He turned into a green skeleton.

Now, the answer to our question. Gallium is a soft, white metal that melts at 80º Fahrenheit! Ha ha! You did not know that! Ha ha! And don't say, "I'd ready knewed that!" Back to the story?

"Cuckoo! You cannot kill me! Yuh!" said the green skeleton resembling Paul Severe. The Martian shot another laser at him. The skull on the skeleton (Paul Severe, maybe. Yeah, definitely maybe.) melted. The Martian shot a third laser (yawn!) at the pile of bones. The skeleton rocketed into the sky. Three light years away, the skeleton, (gasp!) no, not a skeleton, Paul, Paul Severe, yeah, Paul fell back toward the Sears Tower, Chicago, Cook County, Illinois, United States of America, North America, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way Galaxy. Pow! Paul hit the ground, again (yawn!). The Martian hopped back into the spaceship. The spaceship rose three feet and shot a tremendous ray at the Sears Tower. Pow! (again (yawn!)) All the metal in the building, including the steel, was turned into gallium. (Please refer to the previous paragraph for details about gallium. Thank you.) Paul sprinted into the building, and took. The. Elevator. To. The. (Yawn!) Top. Of the building (not the roof). He went into the office of Jeff Farley (and, remember, it's J-E-F-F F-A-R-L-E-Y!), president of the Fat Chance Chip Company. Mr. Farley, an extremely plump man, was watching "Stupid Story: the Movie" on TV. But the TV was not plugged in. Mr. Farley was sitting on top of his television and staring at his new View Me 2000 screen. "How come you put 35,000 grams of fat in each of your chip bags?" interrupted Paul. "Do not disturb me! Time is money, young man!" stated Mr. Farley. Paul quoted, "Uh, right, dime is money! Makes cents, doesn't it?" Paul snatched a dime from Mr. Farley's desk. He squeezed the dime. The center melted, and the dime split in two. "Dime is money, makes cents!" Mr. Farley got steamed up. He slammed himself against the window. "You're getting on my nerves!" he spoke. Paul gulped. He stared at Mr. Farley and then protested, "Huh? I'm not getting on your nerves! I'm over here, and your nerves are over there! I can't be on your nerves!" The outside temperature rose to 81º Fahrenheit. The steel (well, was steel, now gallium) frame of the Sears Tower was slowly melting. The Sears Tower bent in the middle at a 135º angle. Mr. Farley pounded at the window panes. Dripping gallium fell on the street. The window pane fell out. Mr. Farley fell out. Paul grabbed him by his shoelace. Mr. Farley's shoelace became untied. Mr. Farley's weight dragged Paul one foot nearer to falling. The window pane smashed through a car windshield. Paul hooked his foot around the metal leg of Mr. Farley's chair. Blood rushed to Mr. Farley's brain. The metal leg of the chair began to melt because of the body temperature in Paul's foot. Mr. Farley's chair rolled to the window. It got stuck. Paul was now fully out of the Sears Tower. The tower leaned and crashed into a nearby building. Now the Sears Tower was the Leaning Tower of Searsa. The chair leg split into two pieces. Paul and Mr. Farley fell onto the asphalt street. They got up and walked back into the building. Mr. Farley's head was the size of a red, beach ball. And it looked like one, too. Paul stepped into another elevator (yawn!). Mr. Farley got stuck between the doors because of his fat head. "Errrrrhhh! Arrrerrrhhhggghhh! Aaaeeerrrggghghhgrrghhrrgh!" growled Mr. Farley. The elevator doors began to close. Mr. Farley's head looked like a giant bean. Suddenly Mr. Farley exploded. Paul flicked the pancreas off his head, and rode the elevator to the thirteenth story. He walked into the office of Chuck Darnit. Mr. Darnit was moving out. The room was clear, except for Paul and a tall, skinny man wearing dirty clothes with a stern look on his face. Mr. Darnit's eyes glowed bright red. He leaped at Paul. Paul ducked. Mr. Darnit flew through the metal wall leaving a hole. He was so angry that his body temperature was 185º Fahrenheit. He landed on the metal floor of the neighboring room, which was vacant. And you know what happened. Paul tried to unzip his duck costume. "Is this your idea of a joke? When you wrote 'Paul ducked', that means I bent down so he couldn't touch me, not me putting on a duck costume. Quack!" Okay, sorry, Paul. The zipper on Paul's costume melted, and he was stuck in the costume. He waddled over to the 12-story-deep hole in the next room. "Wow! What a fall!" He took the elevator down to the first story to go home. The doors opened. There was Chuck Darnit, standing there with a baseball bat. Mr. Darnit swung the bat.

Copyright © 1997 Stupid Story Inc., maybe. Uh, yep, maybe. Definitely maybe. No rights reserved.

P. S. And you know what P. S. stands for: Paul Severe! And, er, back in Stupid Story 3, E***** B****** forgot to include "I'm nauseous! I'm nauseous!" in the famous quotations. Yep! System malfunction! System malfunction! Shut down!

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Copyright 2002 by Enogee Drink and Bewildering Stories.