Bewildering Stories

Meet Bob Gonzalez!

Aerin Drek

A semi-biography-oid thingamabubba

This is the story of Bob Gonzalez. I think that's how you spell his last name. Okay. One day, Bob Gonzalez was at school. The date was April 31, 1999. Bob Gonzalez started to rap again. "Ma naem es Bub Gunzallus. An muov uot, Kriz Uganbawoldd an Arron Derrk!" Aerin Drek (That's me!) wanted to throw up. Chris Agonberwold raised his eyebrow. Then Chris grabbed a carrot and popped Bob Gonzalez's caption. A caption is that bubble thing with the words in a comic strip. "Your spelling is horrible, and you are loquacious!" said Chris Agonberwold. "Wuz dat sapozte tuh meen?" replied Bob Gonzalez. "He is duncical and pleonastic, isn't he?" said Aerin Drek. Chris popped Bob's caption. "Wach et, Kriz! Stopp popin ma capshuns!" exclaimed Bob Gonzalez. "Malodorous, isn't he?" said Aerin. Chris popped Aerin's caption by mistake. "Uh, sorry, Aerin!" said Chris. He popped Bob's caption. Misspelt words flew everywhere. One of them flew into Bob's ear. "Ah'll goe bie sum lunsh!" said Bob Gonzalez. He got nothing and paid for it with postage stamps. "Dillishus, iznt et?" said Bob. Chris popped his caption. Bob started to munch on the nothing. Then Bob belched. He finished the nothing and munched on his styrofoam tray. He regurgitated the nothing and munched on it again. The nothing melted through the table because it was contaminated with acid from Bob's stomach. "Thet wuz dillishus!" said Bob. Chris stared at Bob's caption with disgust. "Uh, Bob, why don't you use a lexicon to spell your words correctly and improve your vocabulary?" said Aerin. "Wuz dat sapozte tuh meen, lexacun? Wer d'ya git al ya haerd-sowndin wurdz?" said Bob Gonzalez. "From a lexicon!" said Aerin. "Wuz ah lexacun?" said Bob. "A lexicon is an alphabetical listing of words for referential use! For example: a dictionary, a glossary, a thesaurus, et cetera." said Aerin. "Ah gut wan! Ah gut ah lexacun!" said Bob. He held up his telephone directory. "Uh, yeah, that's a lexicon!" said Chris sarcastically. "Find the definition of 'formaldehyde' in there! You need some!" said Aerin. Bob flipped through the telephone directory. "Et meenz 'Jared A.' ohr sumthin!" said Bob. "My favorite word is 'superfluous,' and it means unnecessary, like you are!" said Aerin. "Mine is 'yo-yo,' and it's something that you look like you got hit with!" said Chris. "Ma fevurit wurd es


An Ah dunt no wot et meenz!" said Bob. "Eh?" said Aerin. "Ditto?" said Chris. "Ug!" said Bob. Several hours later, Bob Gonzalez was visiting his dentist to receive his daily dose of nitrous oxide. 'Gev ma mor uh dat laffin gass!" said Bob. The next day was April 32. Bob Gonzalez came to school rapping about his headless stuffed lagomorph. "Your garrulous rapping is combusting our brains!" said Aerin. "Ditto!" said Chris. "Deto!" said Bob. He cracked up. He smashed walnuts with his head. He smashed windows with his head. He smashed the bell with his head. No more bell. So school never started on April 32. But that doesn't matter. April 32 isn't a real day anyway. "Wee hav noe skuel! Wee hav noe skuel!" Bob sang. "Finally, Bob's not rapping!" said Chris. Ug!

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Copyright 2002 by Aerin Drek and Bewildering Stories.