How to Survive Mentoring

by David Margolin

Dan was so naive that he showed up for his first day at work without a gun, a chair, or a whip. His parents had set it up. A good friend of theirs worked for Mr. Leonard Keller. “He’s a successful businessman; you can learn a lot from him,” Dan’s mom advised. “He’ll be your mentor,” added Dan’s dad. Dan was sixteen years old, and this was his first real job.

On the first day, Dan felt like a soldier, dressed in his brand-new light-gray worker’s outfit and ready to serve. He stood somewhere between at ease and attention waiting for the boss to arrive.

Leonard burst into the small front office like a locomotive trailed by billowing cigar-smoke exhaust. “Hi, kid, you can call me Leo. Pay attention and you’ll learn a lot, but don’t dick around and waste my time.”

Leo showed Dan the ropes. “I make my money by buying stuff in bulk and selling it at a profit, move it in and out quickly, don’t let it sit around. Doesn’t matter what it is, notebooks, candles, fly swatters, cutlery, I’ve got connections all over the city. It’s great for me when a business goes under, I get their stuff dirt cheap.”

One day, Dan was unpacking and stocking heavy-duty flashlights. They had long metal handles and large glass lenses. “Excuse me, Leo, some of these flashlights are damaged. This one has a cracked lens.”

With astonishing speed for his size, Leo snatched the flashlight from Dan’s hand and smashed it against the brick warehouse wall. Glass shards flew in all directions. Dan was barely able to block them by crossing his hands in front of his face. Leo turned, bumping Dan hard with his shoulder, and roared, “Who put you in charge of quality control? Don’t be so picky. Clean up this mess.”

When Leo got tired of tracking through the cigar butts and debris in his office, he told Dan to bring him something to “dump the crap” into. When Dan returned, Leo raged, “I asked for a wastebasket, not a trash can,” spraying saliva and vitriol around the cigar. Dan dodged the large metal trash can that Leo hurled in his direction. He now saw the cigar as a pacifier and the lips as infantile.

From time to time Leo tossed Dan a bone. “You’re a smart kid, you’re catching on to the business,” Leo said warmly, his arm around the kid’s shoulder. “I’ve got a cute niece. Keep up the good work and I’ll set you up with her. You’re not queer, are you?”

“Uh... O.K., thanks, I’d like to meet her.”

“I know about women. You saw the picture of my wife and kids in my office? My wife’s not pretty, but don’t judge me by that. I’ve had plenty of good-looking girlfriends, still do.”

One of Dan’s tasks was to unload truckloads of incoming purchases. “Why isn’t that damn truck unloaded yet? Stop jerking off and get your ass into gear, kid. I can’t move it out before you move it in!”

After eight weeks on the job, Dan was surprised to hear Leo’s plan. “Good news, kid: my foreman’s going out for his vacation in two weeks. Good thing that I’ve spent all this time training you. I’ll let you take his place for the rest of the summer.”

“Thanks, Leo, but I’m only going to be working here for another two weeks. I’m looking forward to a couple of weeks off before my summer vacation ends.”

“Are you kidding me? You tricked me into thinking that you were a hard worker. Get the hell out of here, and forget about dating my niece.”

Dan exited quickly, looking back to make sure that no hurled objects were flying in his direction. He took refuge in a nearby White Castle restaurant and began drowning his sorrows in their four-cornered comfort burgers washed down by a chocolate milkshake. The odd squareness of the burgers matched his sense of distorted reality. His parents were right: he had learned a lot from Leo. For one thing, he had learned the definition of mentor: someone who kicks you in the balls and curses you for hurting his foot.