Upsell
by Eva Brooks
The AI was delayed 57 seconds at the beginning of the tour because an old woman was fighting with her bags. The younger, savvy patrons who were waiting stared with simmering impatience while she struggled to lift her outdated rolling suitcase over the ledge of the particle scanner. The suitcase contained nothing of consequence; once its lagging wheel squeaked over the bump, the AI appeared before the crowd and began its sequence.
“Welcome to the Intergalactic Kromer TM Supervised MegaCraft Experience!” The tour guide — known familiarly as “Gui” — spoke with a tinny warmth to its voice. It resonated with every echo in the grand hall. “I will show you around for your exclusive, once in a lifetime resort trip of the galaxy! You may all leave your bags at the entranceway and follow me!”
“Who’s going to care for our bags?” the old woman cried out.
A twinge of recalibration echoed in Gui’s mind. Of course, she was going to be a hassle for the entire tour. This was usually how it went: the troubling cases quickly outed themselves precisely because they were outliers. Gui’s smile tightened. “Our crew will bring your bags to your assigned rooms while I show you around the Experience!”
The woman murmured something about calling it an “experience,” but a younger patron, who was likely related to her, started to whisper in her ear, and her wrinkled mouth snapped shut.
Gui walked, backward to the human eye, but keeping pace with the group. Its eyes were on the databases as it announced the preliminary text: “The Intergalactic KromerTM Supervised MegaCraft Experience, sometimes abbreviated as IKSME, is the ultimate vacationing destination for those looking to get away from it all. This will be the 156th edition boarding for space and the stars. The area you were beamed into, before you crossed the particle scanners, is actually the central hub of our ship. We will tour the amazing facilities that we offer in the North Wing. The South Wing holds guest rooms and accommodations.”
“What accommodations are in the guest rooms?” a man asked with his hand raised. Gui eliminated the hand from his storage processors.
“Your guest rooms hold a variety of comforts to make your stays accommodating. There are movie, tv, and reel-screening services with two telescreens built into the paneling, allowing you to watch from whatever position you find most comfortable.
“You will note that unlike other experiences, there is no dining hall aboard the campus. We offer a 24/7 room service that will bring any food or beverage item to your door, with drug-based substances pending a timecard limit that I shall explain soon. These rooms also have a rolling machine bot and Jacuzzi bed built within the bathrooms to allow maximum comfort and freshening up.”
A teenager called out, “Is the machine bot like a massage chair?”
Gui grinned. While adults were frequently more sucked into the accommodations outside of their rooms, the younger generation was well known for frequently spending their stay inside while their parents loosely complained about how they were spending the time rotting away, watching telescreens. Of course, there was enough time allotted in their stays to allow for this, so this was not an issue often brought to staff’s attention.
“Our SuperMassage Bot is a premium model of the one that we sell on Earth, which is able to assume a variety of positions.”
The teenager was pondering the explanation when Gui reached the pool area. “The ISKME is most famously known for bringing the wonders of the ocean to the stars.”
This area, between the influencer promotions and the reputation of luxury of the ISKME, often spoke for itself. Gui allowed the patrons to gasp and coo over the realistic waves lapping a sturdy but moldable sand beach, with cabanas for water activities and concessions dotting the horizon. Gui could tell a generated breeze was approaching the land. It would allow the patrons to feel the chill and taste the salt and connect the experience in their brains to beaches of memory.
Gui felt a hand attempt to pass through its particles. The motion did not cut through like a knife but registered only as the bioinformation of the older woman. “How does it go out so far?”
“The horizon is an illusion, provided for a naturalistic feel. However, you will notice, when you enter, that the water becomes brackish and deep long before you could ever see the wall. You will experience no desire to swim to the end. To your mind, it will be as if it didn’t exist.”
“What if we accidentally fall into the water?” a little girl called out before her parents should shush her.
Gui laughed and addressed the family and the girl as one, which functionally they were. “Our AI will register the disruption and alert you long before you can get to that point.”
There was a muttering sound about always listening, about how the beach was the biggest part of this blasted ship, but this was at a decibel level that Gui had been programmed to ignore.
“Now, as we continue along, you will note the casino. It is here that you will find your loaner cards. While we provide food and necessities throughout your stay as part of your initial purchase, we provide services such as drug-based substances and tokens for gambling services at an additional fee. With these token cards, you can hook up your payment method of choice and purchase tokens to bet with, as well as tokens in order to play a variety of video and augmented reality games.
“You will also note, as we pass through the gaming halls, that the center of the casino has our lone window out to outer space. Here, you can get a glimpse of what serves as your new world. We also host weekly nights where we generate phenomena like star explosions and aurora borealis to the delight of patrons.”
“Wait, real Northern Lights?” the old woman called out, tapping at the particles of Gui’s sleeve again.
“These phenomena are AI-generated to allow you to see the best of space within the comforts of the casino lounge.”
“Hey, this is supposed to be a spaceship! Why would we bother to pay money to board a spaceship if we can’t even see the stars?”
This was a disingenuous question, one that Gui often received from tech bros concerned about the percentage of the sky that was generated. However, it was programmed to have a vast trivia store of elderly human pastimes in order to understand their nostalgia, which often sourced any gripes.
“Have you ever looked through a telescope?” The woman blinked, nodded her head slowly as if it were to be a trap. “You will often note that space frequently is black. It often looks cold and uninviting. We merely overlay common phenomena over the screen to dazzle guests.”
She bit her lip but said nothing.
“As we cross through the gaming lounge, you will find the spa accommodations, which you can also reach from the beachside by crossing through the lazy river and cabanas at a diagonal angle. While there are pleasures and accommodations within your rooms, there are also additional services you can receive here for tokens, such as pedicures and manicures, haircuts, and professional makeup applications.”
“Why does everything cost tokens? We’ve already paid so much to be here!”
Gui did not need to breathe, but it could intimidate patrons if it gave a pause as if in irritation and made them think that it was truly getting frustrated. “As was noted within your payment structuring guides, while the initial down payment allows for the ship to run smoothly through its voyage, the developers constantly provide new updates to experiences that require financial compensation. The developers do not require you to pay more, but you will find that monetary incentive is ideal for patrons and guests alike.”
The relative whispered into the old woman’s ear again, and the AI was able to make this out distinctly. “Of course it’s a money trap, Mom. We don’t have to pay.”
The AI held off any further comment. Although the woman’s shoulders slumped in defeat, a fire remained in her eyes. She pointed towards Gui’s chest, where its name was provided in a holograph. “Who named you?”
Gui was taken aback, accessed a new store. “I was named by my developers.”
“Why such a weird name: ‘Gui’?” You don’t look particularly like a ‘guy’; you don’t look like anything.”
“My name is derived from the word ‘guide’. This is common for the AI aboard the ship. The AI who will show you to your rooms, for example, is named De.”
“But surely, you were named this for a reason?”
While there was no obvious reasoning behind the ideas of the developers, this idea shimmered through Gui’s brain. The first memory Gui had ever possessed, upon congealing with the facts and mannerisms required of the role, was of the developers’ debating naming Gui De instead. It was an arbitrary switch, easier for the human eye to scan quickly in a lineup, and so, although the change was out of Gui’s control, there had been a detectable relief. “It is a boring story.”
“But you remember it. People think AIs are all the same, that they don’t have feelings and they just carry out a purpose. Surely, you don’t believe all the amazing benefits you’re selling?”
Any sentiment that Gui’s formation brought had been immediately deleted. For its intended purpose, this place was streamlined and perfect, “a well-oiled machine,” as the ancient saying went. It was a factual statement for Gui and the developers and, eventually, for the patrons.
“You will see throughout your stay that it will come to be like a home to you.” With that, Gui continued forward.
The final area was the entertainment center, which people even besides the old woman were looking at quizzically. “Yes, I know what you are thinking,” the AI recited from its memory bank. “If I have entertainment screens inside my room, what good is a communal entertainment center? Well, on the left side, you can see here, you can draw on a collection of equipment and tools needed to play outdoor games or to hold outdoor events.
“The right side provides a psychedelic, exclusive experience that our guests find invigorates and relaxes them, allowing a new appreciation of space and the world around them. This is the one area of the ship with no limit to purchasable drug-based substances, which allows it to be a place of indulgence and a revolutionary new way to synthesize your experience.”
“Are those even real words?”
The AI did not register the disruption.
“And with that” — the AI brought its hands together and generated a clapping sound as they rounded the curve of the ship back to the central meeting point — “that brings us to the end of our tour! My partner, De, will lead you to your rooms on the other side of the ship. Of course, I will be around to provide any assistance to craft an experience that will never fail to amaze you all. Thank you for taking this time with me today!”
Most people quickly shuffled off to De behind Gui, mumbling thank-yous or giving a polite wave.
“Hold on, sonny,” the insistent old woman said, though now, at the end of the tour, there was a warble in her voice, an audible strain in her confidence. “I must have missed it—”
“No need to apologize, I assure you!”
“How long did you say this tour is?” Gui blinked, stayed silent, so she continued: “You know, when does the tour end?”
Gui laughed, which surely sounded to the woman like the pleasant tinkling of bells one might hear when entering a shop. Gui finished the product sale with the ultimate explanation: “Oh, that is the best part, of course! It does not.”
Copyright © 2025 by Eva Brooks
