The Effigies of Emory Street
by Joli Huelskamp
Dear Amy Advice,
I am overwrought. Effigies of my husband and myself are on display in a front yard in my town. Let me explain. Two years ago, my husband Ted and I sold our house on Emory Street and moved across town to Autumn Leaves Assisted Living.
People thought it would be safer and more convenient for us, as Ted’s health has declined with age. He gets confused. His face is frozen, and his mouth is slack. He doesn’t walk; he shuffles. But Ted and I have always been a team. He was the smart one, the theorist. And I was always good with my hands. Needlework. Crafts. I made all the curtains for our home myself: chintz cabbage roses for the front rooms, purple velvet for the bedrooms.
Last week, our former next-door neighbor, Elisa, arranged for us to visit our old home. The new owners, Jennifer and Stan, had just completed a major kitchen remodel and were eager to show it off. As you can imagine, Ted and I presented ourselves punctually at the appointed time. We were delighted to see the familiar baby blue siding and the faded white star on the gable. Then the front door opened.
“Yeah?” asked the tattooed, pierced and dyed preteen boy who answered. Someone hollered inside and, soon, Jennifer herself ushered us in, introducing her husband Stan, her daughter Randy, a pale child of about seven or eight, and her son Evan, who by now had turned his back and was intent on his cell phone.
She led us into the living room, where my beautiful cabbage rose curtains had been replaced with window shades. Young Evan caught my look of disappointment. Flourishing a remote control, he raised and lowered the shades with a disdainful smirk.
Meanwhile, Ted was wandering about like a dog after an epileptic seizure. He recognized the house but couldn’t fathom it anymore. He walked up to a wall and his feet kept moving. I took his hand and led him to the kitchen. At the doorway, I gasped involuntarily.
I had expected our familiar, homely old kitchen to be changed, but not to such an extent. It seemed like a mile of stark black cabinets lined the lower walls. Our old dining room was gone, and I realized that the new kitchen now encompassed that space.
I couldn’t help thinking that they wouldn’t have needed to expand the space if they’d just put cabinets above the countertops. I also noticed that there were no handles or knobs on the cabinets. “How, how do they open?” I asked tentatively.
“Push-to-open,” said Evan smugly, demonstrating as he spoke.
“Well,” I said politely, looking around the minimalist room, “it’s not to my taste, but it’s certainly big and modern.”
Two days later, Elisa emailed me with photos of two effigies which had suddenly appeared in the front yard of our old home. They appear to be built of straw, but Halloween was months ago. The male effigy wears tan pants pulled up to his chest, an oddly familiar checked shirt, and a slack expression on his face. It is Ted.
The female effigy wears a gray skirt, two misshapen sweaters, and long, lank gray hair. It is me. And, in case there was any doubt, the effigies wear tags with our names on them! I find these effigies most disturbing. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Frances Crum
* * *
Dear Mrs. Crum,
I suggest that you enlist Elisa, your former next-door neighbor, to help in this situation. After all, it was she who alerted you to the appearance of the effigies in the first place, otherwise you would still be happily unaware of their presence. She can diplomatically explain your concerns to her neighbors who were, most likely, also unaware that the figures caused you distress.
Amy Advice
* * *
Voicemail for Elisa Nolan, April 5 1:05 p.m.
Hi, Elisa, it’s Jennifer Anderson returning your call. I don’t know anything about the “effigies,” as you call them. I think that the kids did make a couple of scarecrows; they’re pretty clever about stuff like that. I’ll take a closer look tonight. I confess that Stan and I and the kids did make fun of the Crums after their visit. You have to admit they are an odd pair. Good Lord, those cabbage rose curtains! Anyway, I’ll get the kids to remove the name tags when I get home tonight. Thanks! Bye!
* * *
To: Elisa Nolan
From: Frances Crum
Date: April 5 3:15 p.m.
Thank you for interceding with the Andersons for us, Elisa. But it sounds as though they are simply planning to remove the name tags from the effigies. The effigies are in the front yard where anyone passing by can see them. They are clearly meant to represent Ted and me, with or without name tags. Please let the Andersons know of our concerns.
Thank you,
Frances
* * *
Voicemail for Elisa Nolan, April 5 4:46 p.m.
It’s Jennifer Anderson again. Sorry, I just got out of a meeting. Alright, sure, we’ll put the “effigies” in the backyard tonight. Bye.
* * *
To: Elisa Nolan
From: Frances Crum
Date: April 5 5:10 p.m.
I’m glad the Andersons agreed to move the effigies to the backyard until they can be deconsecrated. I believe Ted and I need to be present for the rite. I’m not sure if the creators of the effigies, the Anderson children, need to be there as well. I will arrange a time with Father Gerard.
Thank you,
Frances
* * *
Voicemail for Elisa Nolan, April 5 6:52 p.m.
It’s Jennifer Anderson. Those “effigies” are not effigies. They are scarecrows. And I must say they are good caricatures of the Crums. The kids are really creative and are so proud of their work. Apparently, they found some leftover straw from last year’s Halloween decorations and some old clothes from a Goodwill bag in the garage. The offending name tags have been removed. The scarecrows have been moved to the backyard. Done! Finished! Finito!
* * *
Pine Springs Gazette, April 7
Priest Denied Access to Perform Sacred Rites
by Mila Perez
Father Gerard Kimmons of St. Pius Church has been denied access to the rear yard of an Emory Street house where two straw effigies are displayed. The effigies bear an uncanny resemblance to the prior homeowners, an elderly couple who now reside in an assisted living facility. The couple requested that a priest deconsecrate the effigies before they are dismantled. The current homeowners, Jennifer and Stan Anderson, have refused admittance.
“This is ridiculous,” Mrs. Anderson, 39, told the Gazette. “We aren’t Catholic, we aren’t religious at all. This is our property. We don’t want any priest, minister, or cleric performing pseudo-sacred rituals or mumbo jumbo on what are essentially scarecrows.”
“I respect the homeowners’ wishes,” commented Father Gerard, 54. “This was simply an attempt to ease the minds of two long-time, upstanding parishioners who are highly disturbed by the appearance of these effigies.”
* * *
Pine Springs Gazette, April 8
Letters to the Editor
I am appalled by the selfish attitude of the godless heathens who have denied a Catholic priest access to the pagan effigies in their backyard. For all we know, these miscreants intend to poke knitting needles through the hearts of these effigies at the stroke of midnight. What has happened to the friendly, neighborly Pine Springs I once knew?
Rosabelle Pulaski
* * *
Pine Springs Police Report, April 8
Category: Trespass
Date/Time: April 8 3:30 p.m.
Location: 1911 Emory Street
Complainant: Stan Anderson, 40, homeowner
Circumstances: Numerous individuals attempting to gain access to backyard to view and potentially remove 2 effigies that have been the subject of recent controversy.
Perpetrators: Present at the time were Ms. Leila Pine, Mrs. Carmen Davis, and Mr. Colin Burke.
Actions: Advised Mr. Anderson that citizens have a legal right to stand on the sidewalk. Advised him to post “No Trespassing” signs on his property and call if anyone violates them. Advised citizens to remain on the sidewalk or face charges.
* * *
Pine Springs Gazette, April 9
Restraining Order Sought over Emory Street Effigies
by Mila Perez
Stan Anderson, 40, of Emory Street has petitioned for a restraining order against Colin Burke, 25. According to the application filing, Mr. Burke has, on two occasions, scaled Mr. Anderson’s rear fence and attempted to remove two straw effigies from the backyard.
“We called the police both times,” asserted Mr. Anderson. “They simply spoke to him and let him go. That’s not acceptable. He’s trying to steal our scarecrows. This needs to stop.”
“The effigies are possessed with the spirits of an old couple,” Mr. Burke told the Gazette. “What happens to the effigies will happen to the people they represent. They could be burned, torn apart, crushed in a trash compactor. The effigies must be properly desanctified and dismantled, or they could mean doom for the living. How would you feel if it happened to you?”
Judge Constance Oliver is currently considering the petition and is expected to make a decision later today.
Editor’s Note: “Heartless and Cruel: Bullying the Elderly,” an investigative series by Mila Perez, begins April 12.
Letters to the Editor
It seems to me that the Andersons are being unjustly persecuted here. I have seen the scarecrows in question, and they are quite sophisticated examples of folk art. The Anderson children are obviously talented and creative. Is Pine Springs so provincial that we would discourage the efforts of future artists, designers, architects?
Karen Gatti
There is nothing wrong with caricatures. We’ve all sketched unflattering cartoons of teachers or bosses we’ve disliked. The Anderson kids are just more imaginative than most. Let us remember, this is a free country. That means freedom of religion. Forcing a homeowner to allow a priest onto his property to perform a spiritual rite goes against the foundations of our democracy.
A Concerned Citizen
* * *
Pine Springs Gazette, April 10
Letters to the Editor
Re: the Emory Street Effigies. Let us not lose sight of the basic issue here. The Crums are not public figures. They have an expectation of privacy. To ridicule them without cause is juvenile at best, sadistic at worst. Couple that with the form of ridicule — crude but lifelike effigies evocative of voodoo and witch burnings — and we have something much worse. The Crums have every right to demand the effigies be deconsecrated and respectfully dismantled with the supervision of a clergyman or clergywoman of their choice.
Tom Matsuda
I’m all for encouraging the artistic endeavors of our youth, but not at the expense of others. This isn’t just a case of rudeness; the old people involved are genuinely frightened.
Sonia Cleburne
Grow up, people! Do you really still believe in witch doctors, voodoo, and exorcisms? Sometimes a scarecrow is just a scarecrow.
A Voice of Reason
* * *
Pine Springs Gazette, April 11
Letters to the Editor
My sister used to work with a guy. He was seeing this girl, but she was too possessive, so he broke it off. The ex-girlfriend was furious. She made a doll in his image. She even used a lock of his hair. Then she took a sharp knife and cut it in two across the waist. A week later at work, a pulley broke and a sheet of glass cut him in two ACROSS THE WAIST. My sister said he was a nice guy. He left a wife and 3 kids.
Brittany Douglas
Hey, Andersons: your kids are not that special. Instead of coddling them and touting their so-called “art,” why not teach them manners, like respecting their elders?
Ginnie Maywood
Pine Springs ought to put on a Scarecrow Contest in October. Vendors, food trucks, live entertainment. Lou’s Hardware & Gifts would gladly help sponsor such an event. We’d get traffic from Randolph City and beyond. Think about it.
Lou Belcher
* * *
Voicemail for Elisa Nolan, April 12 9:10 a.m.
It’s Jennifer Anderson. Tell the Crums to come pick up those damn scarecrows. They’re on the front curb. They can take them away and do whatever they want with them. Just get them out of my sight!
* * *
Pine Springs Police Report, April 12
Category: Vehicle-Pedestrian Collision with Injuries
Date/Time: April 12 6:30 p.m.
Location: 1911 Emory Street, driveway
Roadway Conditions: dusk, vehicle headlights were on, exterior house lights were not on
Driver: Jennifer Anderson, 39, homeowner. No injuries.
Pedestrian: Frances Crum, 82, Autumn Leaves Assisted Living. Mrs. Crum was knocked down, landing partially on the pavement and on grass, suffering a broken arm and extensive bruising. EMTs transported the victim to Pine Springs Doctors Hospital; she was treated and, due to her age, held overnight for observation. Expected to make a full recovery.
Witnesses: Caught on next-door neighbor Elisa Nolan’s east security camera. Video clearly shows the driver pulling into the driveway, then accelerating into the victim.
Vehicle / Damage: Geyser Blue 2024 Subaru Outback, dented left front bumper, broken left headlight.
Description: Mrs. Anderson arrived home from work and pulled into her driveway. She observed a scarecrow in the driveway ahead of her. This was one of two scarecrows which have been the subject of controversy and a Restraining Order (2024-0056) in recent days.
That morning, Mr. Anderson set both scarecrows at curbside to be collected by Mrs. Crum or her representatives. Mrs. Anderson did not notice the scarecrows at curbside on her return, but the female scarecrow was in the driveway blocking her way.
Angered over the ongoing dispute and suspecting that the scarecrows had not been picked up as promised, Mrs. Anderson ran into the scarecrow, knocking it out of her way. When she emerged from her vehicle and realized that she had hit Mrs. Crum, she called 911 and offered assistance.
Statements:
“Father Gerard picked up the effigies this afternoon and brought them to the St. Pius rectory garden. He held a nice little ceremony for Ted, me, and about 12 other parishioners. Once our spirits were removed, the effigies were carefully taken apart. The old clothes went in the parish goodwill bin and the straw was scattered as mulch on the rectory garden.
“Later that evening, I returned to our old home to thank the Andersons personally. I parked at Elisa’s house and briefly visited with her. Then I walked up the Anderson’s driveway. I heard a car behind me and turned. The last thing I remember was the light in my eyes.” Mrs. Frances Crum
“I thought it was a scarecrow.” Mrs. Jennifer Anderson
* * *
Dear Amy Advice,
So we’re back in our old house on Emory Street, with the baby blue siding and the faded white star on the gable. The kitchen is big and modern and not to my taste, but I am getting used to it. In fact, everything is so easy to reach in these low cabinets with the push-to-open doors and drawers.
The window shades with their remote controls are actually quite convenient, especially since my arm is still in a cast. With our furniture positioned nearly as before, Ted has found his way around once again. Yesterday, I caught him sitting in the backyard watching a flock of robins on the lawn; he was smiling.
After the accident, the Andersons couldn’t leave fast enough. Thanks to the extensive coverage in the Pine Springs Gazette, most folks in town turned on them with a vengeance. Mowing down a helpless elderly woman they’d been psychologically terrorizing for days. No one believed it was an accident. But I didn’t press charges. I repurchased the house for what it sold for two years ago; no reason to rub salt in the wound.
People meant well when they advised us to move to Autumn Leaves Assisted Living. I certainly enjoyed the ease, the convenience, and the camaraderie with the other residents. But it wasn’t working for Ted. He needed his old and familiar home. He was deteriorating too fast, and I couldn’t let that happen. You see, we have always been a team. He was the smart one, the theorist. And I was always good with my hands. Needlework. Crafts.
Sincerely,
Frances Crum
Copyright © 2025 by Joli Huelskamp
