Hugo Hears From Julie

by Dave Clark

Hugo hated the unexpected. Like when he was in a restaurant and ordered a meal only to be told that the “regular” dish he wanted was off the menu. That always threw him; he would struggle to make a second choice, or he’d have to leave the restaurant and go somewhere more predictable.

It was fine if the waiter warned him in advance when they gave him the menu: “The lobster’s not available,” or “The octopus is now squid,” or even “The crab’s crawled away,” as a waitress said the other week. He understood and even laughed at the waitress’s attempt at humour.

But once he’d gone through the process of choosing his food, he found adjustment difficult.

The dead body falling through the sunroof was a similar problem. Hugo didn’t know what to do.

It had fallen from the sky with the biggest crash ever. Luckily, Hugo was hyper-focused when driving and managed to continue to steer safely in a straight line, in spite of the shock. Once the immediate emergency was dealt with, though, he had no idea what to do.

He stopped the car to inspect the damage. The body was dead, no question. Where it had come from he had no idea: either an accident or, perhaps, a suicide, or even a murder, or lost by someone who transported corpses by air in a particularly careless manner.

Hugo’s car was fine. The roof was smashed in, obviously, but there was no further damage; the car was safe to drive.

On another day he’d have called the Automobile Association or, maybe, the police, or both. But not today. Julie had texted, threatening to leave him. He had to see her straight away, persuade her to change her mind. He’d deal with the corpse in due course.

He noted down the time and GPS coordinates so that he could tell the police the exact time and location of the corpse’s arrival, and then he continued on his way.

Ten minutes farther on, he was stopped by a queue of traffic. He thought about telling the policeman who was walking along the line of traffic, but the policeman had other things on his mind, and didn’t even notice the bloody great hole in his car roof and the corpse on his rear seat.

“Sorry about this sir,” he’d said, leaning through the window. “Some monkeys have escaped from the wildlife park and are blocking the road. We are dealing with it, please be patient.”

Of course, the monkeys got in through the hole in the roof of Hugo’s car. Six of them altogether joined the corpse on the back seat.

Hugo hated the unexpected, like half a dozen monkeys climbing into his car, but the good news was that that the monkeys were no longer blocking the road, and the traffic began to move.

He had to see Julie. He’d deal with the monkeys later.

He drove on. There were no further incidents, at least not until the clown flagged him down.

They were on a back road, not far from Julie’s. The clown had a big, curly purple wig and introduced himself as Mr. Giggles.

“Could you give us a tow?” he said. “You’re the only car to pass in twenty minutes, I just need to get to town, it won’t take any time.”

The clown nodded to his car, a circus clown car, bright yellow, collapsible-looking, containing three additional clowns, their wigs orange, yellow and pink.

Hugo consented. He was in a hurry, but this was a back road that Hugo took when he drove to Julie’s place, and hardly anyone else used it. Besides, it wasn’t far to town. It would be heartless to let the clown down.

“Where are you off to?” Hugo asked Mr. Giggles as some clowns fitted the tow rope.

“The circus is coming to town,” Mr. Giggles said, “and you have just earned a pair of front row seats for the night of your choosing.”

“I could take Julie,” Hugo said, “if she still wants to see me.” He explained the situation. “You’re lucky I stopped for you,” he said, “I’m rushing to see Julie now. I didn’t stop for the corpse or for the monkeys.”

The clown was thrown aback by the comment, but a quick glance inside Hugo’s car explained the comment. The clown looked thoughtfully for a long time. “It’s really good of you to stop for us under the circumstances,” the clown said. “I had no idea. I’d like to help, to do something to help you win Julie back.”

“Like what?”

“Well, I could use my showbiz connections to pull a surprise for her.”

“Julie always wanted to meet Brad Pitt.”

“Brad Pitt, eh?” the clown said, shaking his head. “Well, my showbiz connections don’t stretch that far, but I can do the next best thing. Leave it with me.” Mr. Giggles walked off to make a phone call. By the time he returned, the other clowns had finished attaching the tow rope, and they were ready to set off.

“I’ll go in your car with you, to give directions,” he said.

The journey was slow, Hugo was a cautious driver, especially with a car in tow and monkeys on the loose. However, they eventually reached town intact.

“Pull in here,” Mr Giggles said, indicating a working men’s club.

“Is this where they’re fixing your car?”

“No, we’ll deal with that in due course. This is your surprise for Julie.”

Hugo parked and Mr Giggles went inside. A few minutes later he returned, followed by a brass band.

“What’s this?” Hugo said.

“The Milton Colliery Brass Band,” Mr. Giggles said. “You’re dead lucky; they were in the middle of rehearsals when I phoned. Julie will be delighted, much better than flowers and chocolates, eh?”

Hugo cursed himself for not thinking of flowers and chocolates, but it was too late for that now. He had a clown car to tow, a brass band following him, not to mention the monkeys running loose in his car, stopping at Tesco en route would be just asking for trouble.

It was only a short distance to Julie’s. Hugo drove slowly enough for the brass band to walk alongside his car. They were playing a Sousa march when he pulled up outside her house, which he recognised as the Monty Python theme.

The clown got out of the car, followed by one of the monkeys, with whom he had already formed some kind of bond.

Hugo checked the text message one more time.

“You just don’t surprise me any more,” Julie had written.