The Tale of Lord Sicurus
by Bradford Watson
Once during my travels, I swerved to avoid running over a squirrel in the middle of the street. It was years ago, and my recollection of the night is hazy, but I did; I locked eyes on the little creature as it ran directly into my path. I abruptly jerked the wheel to the left, almost crashing my car in the process. I vaguely remember breathing a sigh of relief when I saw him scamper off into the woods in my rearview mirror.
As I said, this was quite a few years ago, and I don’t specifically remember the event; I was told. A few weeks ago, while I was doing some mundane housework, I heard a knock on my front door. It was a quick, very rapid knock and almost unrecognizable as such. When I answered my door, I saw, standing on my front doormat, a small, grey squirrel. I looked around and, when I saw no person, I jokingly asked the squirrel, “Can I help you?”
“I certainly hope so,” the squirrel answered.
Now, I guess I should have started off by stating that I am not crazy and live a normal and mostly boring life. A talking squirrel on my doorstep was not normal, and I may have initially overreacted by screaming like a small child. However, after the initial shock of a talking squirrel wore off, he introduced himself quite formally.
“I’m terribly sorry to upset you,” he said with small bow, “but I’m afraid I have nowhere else to turn.”
I was a bit shocked once again, mainly because such courtesies felt like a thing of the past. He told me his name was Lord Sicurus, and he was the master and creator of all squirrels on Earth. When I had swerved to prevent his death, I had inadvertently saved all squirrels on the face of the planet. Since that fateful day, he had held a soft spot in his heart for me and always stayed close by.
“You see,” Lord Sicurus explained, “humans aren’t very popular amongst the squirrels, thanks to your preference for feeding birds. Did you know that many humans even set up defenses against feeding squirrels? Monstrous.”
He told me many groups of squirrels would just sit in trees all day and spit on the humans from afar. We would never notice or, sometimes, we would confuse the tiny spittle for errant drops of rain. But now, things were getting serious, and the squirrels had organized a war council.
“Which is where things get all muddled,” Lord Sicurus said in his proper tone, “for, you see, as the war council was gathered, a rather large dump truck was parked over the only way in or out.”
“A dump truck?”
“Yes, quite. So it seems your skills with the automobile may spare the lives of millions of squirrels, once again. For if they are able to tunnel their way out before we reach them, they will surely attack humanity.”
So I agreed to help him. I didn’t have any particular feelings towards squirrels one way or another, but I certainly didn’t want to be partly responsible for their annihilation. We hopped in my Jetta and started on our way to save the Squirrel War Council, or SWC for short.
After a few hours on the road, I realized that Lord Sicurus had not been entirely forthcoming about the length of this journey. The driving alone was going to take a day and a half. I had to call my job and burn a few sick days.
Traveling with a rodent was far nicer than I had expected. He was courteous and clean, and he got by on just a fraction of my food. We talked for hours about the animal kingdom and human beings. He felt we had all lost touch with something, and this was why we were able to treat the planet in such a way.
When we finally reached our destination, we passed a sign announcing a new mall that was under construction. The dump truck in question was parked directly next to a large, pine tree that had a red ‘X’ spray-painted on it. A tall, metal fence had been erected around the entire site to prevent intruders.
Lord Sicurus and I both squeezed through the entryway with ease and ran up to the dump truck. But when I reached for the door’s handle, it was locked.
“All has been futile!” Lord Sicurus cried to the sky, tears running down his furry cheeks.
I told my new friend not to worry. You see, I had spent my rebellious, formative years boosting cars, and this truck’s defenses were no match for my skills. I quickly produced a small, leather pouch from my pocket and had the locked door open within seconds.
When I hot-wired the truck a few minutes later, his chirps rang out in success as we slowly moved the dump truck a mere five feet forward. I figured my old PO wouldn’t mind me using my “teenage hijinks” towards a truly noble cause like saving the squirrels.
The great squirrel council, all ten of them, were relieved at their liberation, but still hesitant towards their savior. They agreed, with Lord Sicurus’ approval, to cease hostilities towards humans for the time being. They all made unmistakable gestures of gratitude, then made their way into the forest.
“I can’t begin to thank you enough for all you’ve done,” Lord Sicurus said, as I shook his tiny paw goodbye, “but I’d like you to have this.”
He then handed me a bright, golden acorn. It seemed to glow in the moonlight. He explained that it was a magic acorn, which would turn me into a noble squirrel, like him, should I choose to eat it. I could live a long life, happily frolicking in the woods. He recommended I wait until I was sure I was satisfied with my human existence first.
So, I’ve got that going for me.
Copyright © 2026 by Bradford Watson
