Superpowered on the Job

by Floyd Largent

Federal Super-Abled Persons Registry Document SM072
Subject: Stupendous Man, né Aldous Himmerman
Transcript taken prior to UA Event SM03, 3/19/2057

Hey there. Hiya. Hello. Hi. Come right in. Please stay away from that line there, okay? Thanks. I need to have line of sight on Turbine Beta or I can’t do my job. It’s an important job, I think you’ll agree.

Glad to see you all. Sixth Grade Civics at Barron Trump Middle School in Yankton, am I right? Yeah, I went there, too. Bet you didn’t know that. It was back when it was just Yankton Middle. It’s been almost 30 years now since then. Is Miz Pisspot still teaching Civics? Oh, uh, there you are, Miz Pesspont. Long time no see. Sorry about that. I still have that little speech impediment, ha-ha.

Well, greetings, boys and girls! My name is Stupendous Man.

[Pupil] What’s your real name?

No, no, Stupendous Man really is my real name now. You see, when a Super Person registers with the FSAPR, they have to change their name to whatever the Super alias is that they’ve chosen. That way, no one gets confused, and they don’t have to worry about keeping a secret identity. I guess it makes it easier for the government to keep track of us or something. Anyway, that’s who I am now. I can barely even remember my old name.

I bet Miz Pesspont does, though. Please don’t tell, ma’am. I’ll tell you who spray-painted your pet armadillo blue that time. No, it wasn’t me. Seriously.

So, seriously, I work as a power generation specialist for the Yankton substation of Gulf Pride Electric. I produce most of the electricity your households use every day. I’m one of the reasons the skies are clearing up. With me and my Super colleagues on the job, we no longer have to burn things like fossil fuels to generate power. Pretty soon, we won’t need the CO2 sequestration domes anymore, and no more breathing masks, either. Isn’t that great? Makes me proud.

[Pupil] Do you get paid?

Oh, yeah, I get paid very well... I’m happy with it, sure. My job might not be as exciting as flying around as part of a celebrity Super team, but what I’m doing makes a difference in its own way. It’s a pretty straightforward job, but it can be tiring.

Basically, I sit in this chair all day and spin turbines. It’s a nice chair, don’t you think? Plush. Overstuffed. Plus, it reclines, so I can nap during my breaks. I’m in charge of these three turbines you see: Turbines Alpha, Beta, and Gamma, we call them.

This one just to the right of my chair, that’s Alpha. I turn it with a hand-crank all day, like this. It takes advantage of my super-strength...

[Pupil] Isn’t it boring?

Yeah, it is kinda boring. But the other two require more of my attention.

For Beta, I have to use my heat-generating vision to heat up the water reservoir at the bottom, like this. See? The water turns into steam, which turns the turbine.

Oops, look out, there, that’s why I need line of sight. Just beat the fire out there on my break table; it’ll be all right.

Now, Turbine Gamma may be the easiest one for me in terms of effort, but it requires the most attention. With that one, I use my TK — that’s short for telekinesis — to spin the blades. Mind over matter in this case. I have to stare at it all day, much more than staring at Turbine Beta, but it gives us practically free energy, baby.

[Pupil] How long have you been here?

Oh, I’ve been doing this for about ten years now. Like I said, the pay’s great, and there’s total job security. Before this? Well, I was a Guardian in the U.S. Space Force for a few years before my Breakthrough. So I was already used to a life of service.

I asked the Federal Super-Abled Persons Registry, that’s the FSAPR, “What can I do to help the most?” I guess they didn’t need me out there fighting bad guys, so I got this cushy job, ya know?

Oh, and Gulf Pride spent thousands for my super-suit! It’s a nice one, amirite? Totally fireproof and shockproof. I think the red and chartreuse work really well together. The puce SM on the chest is really stylish, eh? And you can hardly see the GP trademarks. Now, then...

[Pupil] Are you a second-class or third-class super—

What? C’mon, now, son. I guess Miz Pesspont hasn’t taught you much about tact and respect, huh? We Supes don’t categorize ourselves like that. We are who we are, and we do what we do, whatever society needs most. So don’t call us that. No Primary, Secondary, Tertiary bull-[expletive redacted].

I do what needs to be done, kid. I’d never want to be one of those so-called Primary “heroes” flying around out there, anyway. See, that’s where they put the posers. Yeah, I could tell you some stories about those “Primaries.”

Hyperstud? So dumb he can barely lace up his boots. I don’t know how he manages to fly anywhere; he can’t even read a map. Terror Woman? She really is a terror, not someone you’d like to date. And don’t even get me started about Raccoon Man. But they do like to hit people, and they look good doing it, so they get all the attention. Why, there’s this one idiot in red booties—

[Teacher gestures]

No, no, I’m not getting out of control, Miz Pisspot. Er, Pesspont, sorry. I’m just responding frankly to your student. Remember how you emphasized the value of frankness in my class? Yeah? He wants to be blunt, so I’ll be blunt, too. Sorry if that hurts your kiddy’s feelings. To quote Elliot from E.T., “This is reality, Greg.”

Huh, so there you go. Leaving early, I see. Lots of folks do, you know. They don’t care for frankness. You’ve seen what there is to see anyway. Just a sad, aging Supe turning a few turbines, old before his time. Goodbye, Barron Trump Middle School Sixth Grade. Goodbye, Miz Pisspot. See ya next year—

[Teacher] [expletive redacted] no.

Wait! Wait, [expletive redacted]! God-[expletive redacted]. I wish... Look, kids, here’s the truth: I did not sign up for this. Be aware of that if any of you ever Breakthrough. The government won’t let me fly around and beat up people because they say I’m better suited here until they figure out nuclear fusion.

LISTEN! They’re forcing me to stay in this damp hole and turn this silly crank like a mother-[expletive redacted] slave. When I registered as a Super, I was assigned this job, like you were assigned to go on this tour today. They won’t let me do anything else.

LISTEN! When I had my Breakthrough, I thought I’d spend my life preventing disasters and fighting villains! I never thought I’d be used as a friggin’ POWER SOURCE!

Transcript ends.