Alphonse’s Scrapbook

by Matt Cowell

Table of Contents

Table of Contents, parts 1, 2, 3

part 2

Janet really should come up with a less predictable password than “DCi$thebe$t.” It took me all of five minutes to get into her e-mail. Here’s the latest from her account:

From: JanetRC@yahoo.com

To: EPRandall$1000000@gmail.com

Sent: April 25, 2023. 2:27 PM.

Hi Daddy,

There must be something wrong with your phone. I keep calling but you never pick up and or answer my messages. Anywho, William’s going to be out of town for a couple of days, so I thought I’d visit you.

XOXO

Janet

From: EPRandall$1000000@yahoo.com

To: JanetRC@yahoo.com

Sent : April 25, 2023. 2:58 PM

Janet,

My phone works fine. Didn’t occur to you that I might be screening my calls? Half the town is talking about how you’re running around with that idiot insurance salesman and the other half are idiots themselves. I told you when I walked you down the aisle with that bonehead that it was the last time I was taking that trip. If you dump a fourth husband, that’s it. I’m cutting you off. No money. No jobs. No nothing. And I’ve already altered my will to that effect.

Dad

Now that’s what I call tough love.

Well, I was poking around the sagebrush on R.L. Johnson’s place, looking for some sign of Dr. Cooke. I found a beat up IPhone, but our crack IT department was able to salvage the audio from the last recording. Here’s a transcription.

Testing, testing, one, two, three. Testing, testing, testing. I guess it works, I’m just... wait a... there, that should do it.

This is Dr. William J. Cooke. It’s 11:56 a.m. on Monday, April 24, 2023, four minutes to t-time. I’m here at Old Handsome’s ranch, about 100 meters south by southeast of the T. Rex dig. I arrived about an hour ago and have been taking an inventory, all the equipment is here and safely tied up in the tarp. I’m supposed to show up along a bend in a river.

The T. Rex dig looks intact from last summer. I doubt anybody’s been out here since then except for Alph—, except to drop off the field equipment. I’m just going to take a stroll over to the Big Guy, just to see how he weathered the winter. Not that it will be worth pulling him out of the ground after this week.

Right now it’s sunny and about 65 with a mild breeze out of the northwest at... oh I’d say five miles per hour. There are a few fluffy white clouds overhead. Yessiree, sports fans, its a beautiful day here in Eps— EEEOOWWW.

WHAT THE — HOKEY SMOKE... Hold on, just... I’m naked. What happened to my clothes? Wait a sec... just calm down, one, two, three.

Everything just changed, like God flipped the remote control on reality. That wasn’t what I expected. No sound or flash or anything, just a change. I guess my watch was off... Dang, that’s missing, too.

Well I seem to be in the year 75 million BCE. I’m just going to keep dictating and make some initial observations. I’m naked, but otherwise unharmed. I’m standing in about two inches of very warm water, facing a river about 20 meters wide that bends away to my left. There’s a dense forest on the far bank. On this side, behind me, is a beach. I can see where the bones of the animals would wash up and be covered with silt. My gear is high and dry on the beach under the tarp.

That’s it. How stupid of me. Alphonse only sent back the stuff on the list. My clothes weren’t on it.

It’s hot, really Godawful. Humidity above 90%. And the sun is really intense; it’s much worse than at the dig in August. Mostly I smell the odor of decaying plant matter, but I think I can faintly pick up a salt marsh, I imagine this river flows into the sea not too far from here. The air is very thick, it’s hard to breathe. I feel like I could take a bite out of the atmosphere. Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.

Now I’m walking across a sandbar towards the near shore. YUCK — I just stepped on something that moved. I’d better get out of this cesspool and into some clothes. I can feel my skin turning red already. Rats, I forgot to ask for sunscreen. Ugh... the water’s about halfway up my thigh. Now it’s...

I think there’s something at the edge of the forest. I can’t make it out, but the branches are rustling. Wait, there! I see it, just the tip of a nose sticking out from the trees about twelve feet above the ground. Now here comes the rest of the head, slowly... turning left . . now right. I can’t believe it, it’s a Tyrannosaur. This is my lucky day.

I’m slowly lowering myself in the water. It hasn’t moved. I can just see the head and neck about a fifty meters away. It’s coming out of the foliage. Huge, just utterly massive. It must be close to thirty feet long. It’s walking slowly out onto the beach, its tail held out straight behind. I’m shaking so much I don’t know if you can see it. You can see it’s dark green with mottled tan patches on its sides and back, like a giraffe. Lighter green underneath. Massive, massive hips and thighs. The legs end with shiny white claws, each about a foot long. It walks very lightly. I can hardly hear it step on the sand. It just let out a heavy breath, a sigh. I’ll try to catch any sound it makes on this thing.

It just ran over to the tarp, three bobbing strides like an ostrich running. It seems curious about the bundle. Poking at it with its nose... nudging it with a toe... circling it. Its back is to me, or I should say her back, I think that’s pretty clear. It, she’s pushing at the bundle, gently. I think she’s losing interest.

She’s upright now. Her jaws are almost closed, but I can make out a bit of her teeth through them. The tremendous jaw musculature is visible under the skin, running from the lower mandible to a point at the base of the skull. There appears to be a slight fleshy edge or frill running in a semicircle around the posterior aspect of her ear. The eyes are about four inches in diameter, both set looking forward — I can’t see their color from this angle. Wait, she’s turning this way.

End Of Dictation

I was lucky to find this sitting on the ground about 20 feet from the phone, next to what looked like a big toe. Sheriff Johnson really should get some better dogs.

CONTRACT

On this 20th day of April, 2023, I, William J. Cooke, intending to be bound, do hereby agree and assent that:

I. The Unnamed One, by and through his agent, Alphonse, shall:

A. Transport me from Noon, April 24, 2023 A.D. to Noon, April 24, 75,000,000 BCE, and all items set forth in Attachment “A”, which shall be supplied by Alphonse and placed at a point One hundred (100) meters south by southeast of T. Rex excavation in Epsom County, Texas. I shall remain in aforesaid period of the past for exactly one week (seven days [one hundred and sixty-eight hours]).

B. Upon the conclusion of the aforementioned week, at exactly Noon on May 1, 75,000,000 B.C., Alphonse shall transport me, all items originally transported with me, and any and all specimens that I might collect to Noon, May 1, 2023 A.D.

C. That all transportation provided by Alphonse shall be temporal only, occurring exactly at the dates and times set forth in Paragraphs I.A. and I.B., regardless of my physical position or condition; arriving at the point corresponding exactly with my position on earth at the initiation of said transportation. All items listed in Attachment “A” and any and all specimens that I might collect shall also be transported at the same time, regardless of their positions, conditions or proximity to me, arriving at the points corresponding exactly with their position on earth at the initiation of said transportation.

II. In consideration for the transportation and supplies set forth above,

William J. Cooke shall:

A. Steal, purloin or obtain through other deceitful, treacherous and illegal means goods with a minimum value of one hundred dollars ($100.00) each year for a period not to exceed ten years. No value in excess of one hundred dollars ($100.00) in any one year may be credited towards the payment for any other year.

B. Deliver and surrender the goods described in paragraph II.A. above to Alphonse or his duly appointed agent at the place of his choosing on the anniversary of the execution on this contract, the first installment being due on Noon, April 20, 2024 and subsequent installments to be likewise delivered on each succeeding anniversary, the last installment being due April 20, 2033.

C. Not at any time or in any manner disclose the existence, terms or conditions of this agreement.

On April 20, 2033, William J. Cooke, having delivered and surrendered the last installment, this contract shall be deemed completed and fulfilled, leaving neither party under any obligation whatsoever to the other, excepting that paragraph II. C. shall remain in effect for the rest of the natural life of William J. Cooke.

Standard Escalator Clause: In the event that either party fails to meet with any of the terms or conditions of this agreement as set forth above, the noncomplying party shall immediately and for all time forfeit its ETERNAL SOUL to the other party without condition or recourse.

This document represents the full and complete agreement between the parties, there being no other oral or other side agreements, terms or codicils hereto. This agreement may not be transferred, assigned or conveyed unto any other party.

As testimony to my free assent and voluntary agreement to the terms and conditions set forth above, I hereby attach my seal, affixed in my own blood.

_______________________________

WILLIAM J. COOKE

Standard Time Travel Contract Copyright, Infernal Printing Co.

The Lone Star News May 10, 2023. I hope my visit with the Sheriff yesterday when I dropped off that toe didn’t have anything to do with this.

WIFE ARRESTED IN DEATH OF DINO DOC

By C. F. Caine

Epsom City — This rural community was shocked today with the announcement that Janet Randall Cooke has been arrested yesterday and charged with murdering her husband, Randall College professor William C. Cooke.

Sheriff’s deputies made the dawn arrest at the Cookes’ house in East Dillworth, just as she was preparing to leave on what she claimed to be an “extended vacation.” Mrs. Cooke surrendered peacefully and was taken to Epsom County jail to await trial.

Sheriff F. E. Johnson announced the arrest at a news conference just before noon. “She killt him alright. We don’t know quite why, yet, but she killt him, ripped him up and we think she might have et part of him. Leastwise that’s what Elmer (Johnson, County Coroner) thinks.”

Although he would not specify on what led him to arrest Cooke, it is believed information from an anonymous source led deputies to question local football legend Dwyane C. Humphreys. Dr. Cooke was apparently last seen leaving Humphreys’ insurance agency shortly before he disappeared.

It is unknown at present if Humphreys is also under suspicion for the apparent murder and mutilation.

Neither Humphreys nor Mrs. Cooke, through her lawyer, Randall Patrick Smith, would comment.

The prison guards in these parts come awfully cheap. $68.00 for copies of all Janet’s mail. Maybe I should report this to somebody.

Proceed to part 3...