Alphonse’s Scrapbook

by Matt Cowell

Table of Contents

Table of Contents, parts 1, 2, 3

conclusion

May 12, 2023

Janet,

Well, I can’t say as I’m surprised by what I read in the paper the other day. At least I’ll know where to write you for the next few years. I hope the food’s better there than I remember. Actually, two things about it did surprise me. First, that old Ironhead arrested you. I was betting on you putting on your magnolia blossom act and pinning it on that jockstrap Humphreys. It’s worked with just about every other man you’ve wanted something from. I guess he beat you to the plea bargain punch.

Second, that you’d be stupid enough to think there was any way you could pull off killing Bill without me figuring it out. Don’t forget, I’m my own judge and jury. I don’t care what the courts say — you violated your parole and are out of chances.

One more thing. I see you got Cousin Randall to go to bat for you. I hope you don’t think I’m paying his bill. Because I’m not.

Keep warm and be careful in the shower,

Dad

May 13, 2023

Dear Daddy,

I know I’ve done some stupid, terrible things in the past, but you’ve got to believe me. I would never do anything to hurt my dear sweet Bill. This is like a nightmare. I still wake up at night expecting him to be at my side. I’m so sad and lonely. This place is so disgusting. Won’t you please visit me, just once.

I can’t believe you really mean all those things you put in that last letter. I’ve made some horrible choices in my personal life in the past, and we’ve always managed to laugh about them later. And, after all, look who I had for a role model. Please, please please come and see me. I miss you so much. I need to get out of here so badly.

Love,

Janet

This family could give the Borgias a run for their money.

June 20, 2023

Janet,

No I won’t visit you. I’m sick of your melodrama and lies. The best thing I can do for you as a father is butt out. That’s the only way you’ll ever get it through your thick skull that there are consequences for your actions. Your Mama and I were always too soft with you.

I’ll be there to meet you when they let you out of jail. I don’t plan on kicking off for another 20 years or so.

I might pay Randall’s bill. He was always a nice kid.

Dad

Dad’s sounding more and more like someone I really should meet.

Dear Daddy,

You don’t understand. You can’t let them do this to me. Please get me out of here. I can’t go to jail. It would be so terrible. I can’t say why now, but believe me — I didn’t do anything to Bill and I didn’t want anything bad to happen to him. Going to jail would kill me.

Love,

Janet

Janet is so sad, with just my shoulder to cry on.

Poor Caine, I think one of those oysters he had at lunch yesterday with me was bad. Fortunately, I was able to cobble his notes together into a story. I had to sneak it past his editor to get it in before press time. I hope C. F. likes it.

The Lone Star News , August 3, 2023.

DINO DOC’S WIFE GETS DEATH

By C. F. Caine

Epsom City — This rural community was left gasping like a pike pulled from Lake Calabogie as Janet Randall Cooke, daughter of Eustace “Weasel” Randall, was convicted of murdering her husband, the late William J. Cooke, Ph.D. The jury returned its verdict 17 minutes after being charged by Judge T.T. “Frying Pan” Johnson.

Mrs. Cooke’s fate was apparently sealed by the testimony of local football legend D.C. “Leadfoot” Humphreys. Humphreys, under a grant of immunity from the state, told the jury that Mrs. Cooke initiated a sordid extramarital affair with him. His testimony included lascivious and extraneous details of how they engaged in carnal acts, several of which have yet to be legalized in our great republic. They met in hotel rooms, rest stops and even under the grandstands at the Randall College football field, the site of Humphreys’ famous 73-yard touchdown run in 2004.

Humphreys also testified that Dr. Cooke had taken out a $1,000,000 life insurance policy on the same morning that he disappeared, naming his wife as sole beneficiary.

Prosecutor A.H. “Buffy” Johnson painted Mrs. Cooke as a greedy schemer who tried to eat her way out of a lifetime of bad decisions by faking mental illness. She maintained that allegations of cannibalism on the part of Mrs. Cooke were “wild stories meant to inflame and confuse the jury about a crime for which there is no defense and to cover up three failed marriages and two bankruptcies.”

Defense counsel Randall Patrick Smith has maintained that his client was mentally deranged because of her husband’s lifetime of neglect and abuse. “This was a man who talked to his wife once a week for the past seven years, and then usually to ask for money,” he told the jury.

Judge Johnson consistently refused to allow Smith to present any expert testimony concerning Mrs. Smith’s state of mind. “No siree, I am not about to allow any pointy-headed intellectuals, who can’t park their bicycles straight into my courtroom, try to confuse these good, honest folks about what’s the right thing to do.”

Immediately after the conviction was announced, Judge Johnson sentenced Mrs. Cooke to death. Judge Johnson said the heinous nature of the crime qualified Mrs. Cooke for the state’s new Expedited Execution Program. “After my niece did such a fine job of prosecuting that lady, it would not be fair to make her wait a few more weeks to see this woman gets her just desserts.”

Curiously, after Judge Johnson pronounced sentence, ending with the traditional, “And may God have mercy on your soul,” Mrs. Cooke screamed at him, “He won’t, he won’t.” The jury and audience, many of whom were whooping and high-fiving at the time, apparently missed this inexplicable outburst.

Prosecutor Johnson was ecstatic after her big win. “This is a great victory for the state of Texas and fans of justice everywhere,” she said. She defended the E.E.P. as a valuable tool in the fight against crime and said its application to Mrs. Cooke “sent a message across this great country of ours that here in Texas, we don’t just execute poor minorities who shoot filling station attendants.”

The prosecutor also defended Sheriff F. E. Johnson, who had been the target of criticism for his handling of the investigation. “He may have a plate in his skull, but my Uncle Iron Head usually gets his man.”

After the conviction Smith announced he would appeal. “What else can I do?” he said to reporters on the courthouse steps. “I have a judge who won’t admit any psychological evidence and a client who won’t say anything other than that the devil made her do it.”

When told of Smith’s plans to appeal, Prosecutor Johnson said, “He can appeal all he wants to, that lady is on the expressway to Hell.”

I managed to get this from the safety deposit box of the late Mrs. Cooke, just before her executor got a hold of it.

CONTRACT

On this 15th day of April, 2023, I, Janet Randall Cooke , intending to be bound, do hereby agree and assent that:

I. The Unnamed One, by and through his agent, Alphonse, shall:

A. Make arrangements, which will result in my husband William J. Cooke permanently leaving me within the next two weeks.

B. That said leaving will include him never making any personal, professional, social or financial demands on me ever again.

C. That all arrangements will be made with the full assent and agreement of William J. Cooke.

In consideration for the arrangements set forth above,

II. Janet Randall Cooke shall:

A. Steal, purloin or obtain through other deceitful, treacherous and illegal means goods with a minimum value of one hundred dollars ($100.00) each year for a period not to exceed ten years. No value in excess of one hundred dollars ($100.00) in any one-year may be credited towards the installment in any other year.

B. Deliver and surrender the goods described in paragraph II.A. above to Alphonse or his duly appointed agent at the place of his choosing on the anniversary of the execution on this contract, the first installment being due on Noon, April 15, 2024 and subsequent installments to be likewise delivered on each succeeding anniversary, the last installment being due April 15, 2033.

C. Not at any time or in any manner disclose the existence, terms or conditions of this agreement.

On April 15, 2033, Janet Randall Cooke, having delivered and surrendered the last installment, this contract shall be deemed completed and fulfilled, leaving neither party under any obligation whatsoever to the other, excepting that paragraph II. C. shall remain in effect for the rest of the natural life of Janet Randall Cooke.

Standard Escalator Clause: In the event that either party fails to meet with any of the terms or conditions of this agreement as set forth above, the noncomplying party shall immediately and for all time forfeit its ETERNAL SOUL to the other party without condition or recourse.

This document represents the full and complete agreement, there being no other oral or other side agreements, terms or codicils hereto. This agreement may not be transferred, assigned or conveyed unto any other party.

As testimony to my free assent and voluntary agreement to the terms and conditions set forth above, I hereby attach my seal, affixed in my own blood.

_______________________________

JANET RANDALL COOKE

Standard Two for One Contract
Copyright, Infernal Printing Co.