Going Out to Come Home
by Huina Zheng
Ying didn’t want to get pregnant after only a year of marriage. She had just been promoted to deputy department manager and worried that pregnancy would affect her career prospects. However, her parents, in-laws, and husband urged her to have a baby. They warned her that she was already 29 and time started to run out after 30, because the quality of her eggs would decline. Her husband, Ming, began washing dishes and mopping the floor to put off her doubts and promised he would help care for the baby.
Ying prepared for pregnancy and birthed her son Liang a year later.
Ming never helped with childcare. Although they had a babysitter during the day, Ying had to rush home after work to care for their child. She hadn’t slept through the night since she gave birth. Liang often cried late at night, and she had to comfort him while her husband snored. She was always exhausted, dozing off while taking the subway to work. But Ming, she thought bitterly, played games at home or had fun with friends after work.
“Men are all like this,” Ying’s mother told her whenever she complained.
“I make much more money than he does, and I look after our son alone, and he is considered a good husband simply because he helps with the house chores,” she once told her bestie, Ran.
“That’s why I don’t want to get married,” Ran replied.
Ying missed her crazy days with Ran. After graduating from university, she and Ran promised to travel once a year. They climbed mountains, hiked, dived, and skydived. It struck her that she had consistently declined her bestie’s travel plans after having Liang. When Ran asked her to go to Qingdao a month ago, she thought she shouldn’t leave her child and selfishly have fun.
“Come on. You’ve already spent so much of your life focusing on your family. Having a few days away from them isn’t selfish. This trip is designed to prioritize pleasure. You can truly relax,” Ran reasoned, but Ying still refused for fear that people would accuse her of being an irresponsible mother.
One day, Ming said he had to work overtime and only got home by 11 pm. However, Ying saw photos of Ming singing karaoke in their mutual friend’s WeChat Moments. She felt rage welling up. She took a deep breath and told herself, “Liang will be okay to live five days without his mother. The sun will still rise as usual.” She sent a WeChat message to Ran, telling her she would join the trip next week.
* * *
Ying told her husband she needed to get out of parental burnout and re-examine their marriage. Otherwise, she would not be able to continue living with him.
When Ming was still in shock, she packed her luggage, booked the plane tickets, and left as planned.
She contacted Liang daily through the babysitter. She would send videos to the babysitter so her five-year-old son could hear the whispers of the sea on the most beautiful beach in Qingdao.
When eating grilled fish, a local favorite, she told Liang fresh fish was the main ingredient, served with various seasonings and vegetables. She described in detail the delicate, sweet, and spicy taste.
She articulated to Liang the characteristics of the local scene
She photographed the ancient buildings in Laoshan Scenic Area, the largest scenic spot in Qingdao, and showed him the Mazu Temple, explaining folk beliefs along the coast.
She asked Liang to say hello to her mother’s best friend during the video call with him while the babysitter was around.
Ying missed her son, thinking about what he was doing now, and felt pangs of guilt about ditching him for the fun-filled trip. She had been worried that Liang would be sad because his mother had left, but he wasn’t. Liang happily asked her mother where she went, what she did, and what food she ate.
Ying found her days were longer and freer. During the day, she and Ran walked through the streets and alleys of Shinan District, the oldest district in Qingdao, with a backpack on her back instead of a heavy mother’s bag or strolled along the seaside path, admiring the sunset. She had incredible late nights, having a few drinks in a small bar with Ran, or enjoying mouth-watering small plates in the night market, free from the toil of coaxing Liang to sleep. She could just be herself rather than someone’s mother or wife.
Ying found the long-lost happiness. She felt refreshed, and her love for life rekindled. She loved being a mother but, she realized, for the first time, it was not the only facet of her personality. She realized that she regained her peace when she stopped demanding of herself that she be a perfect mother, a mother who revolved around her child and family.
The only one unhappy was Ming. Although the babysitter would look after Liang during the day, Ming had to go home immediately after work. He sent dozens of WeChat messages to Ying every day, saying that he missed her and felt her difficulty, and apologized for not sharing the childcare.
She felt that her anger towards her husband had subsided. Although the journey was only for five days, she felt fully charged and ready to jump back into her roles as a nurse, chef, housekeeper, playmate, chauffeur, and babysitter.
She knew that after she returned, her husband was unlikely to be involved in parenting, just as she barely saw a friend, colleague, or relative’s husband help with childcare. But she now learned that if she got parental burnout again, she could go out alone or with friends for a few days to relax. She could return to her family an even happier mother than before she left.
Ying found out that Ran was right all along; she had to learn to love herself before she could love others.
Copyright © 2023 by Huina Zheng
