Bewildering Stories News

Short-Sheeting the Bedsheet Ballot

by Don Webb

Since issue 103 appears on election day in Canada, Bewildering Stories, true to its name, will attempt to explain to the outside world the national exercise in total befuddlement. Here’s a scorecard without which one cannot tell the players. And for the benefit of readers unfamiliar with North American political slang, a “bedsheet” ballot is one that has so many candidates and other items on it that it’s big enough to cover a bed.

The following is only a partial list of the parties that may appear on the ballot. Alas, where is the Rhinosceros Party now that we really need it? Names of party leaders are given where I happen to have heard of them.

party	leader	official stance	in reality	public perception
Liberal	Paul Martin	centre-left	centre-right	The devil we know
Conservative	Stephen Harper	hard right	U.S. neo-cons	Republican Party north
New Democratic (NDP)	Jack Layton	centre-left	social democratic	Unions and taxes
Bloc Québécois	Gilles Duceppe	centre	secessionist	The other solitude
Progressive Canadian (PC)		centre-right	centre-right	Bargain-basement Liberals
Green Party	Jim Harris	centre-left	centrist	The PC on pot
Marxist-Leninist		hard left	atheist fossils	Conservatives upside down
Christian Heritage		hard right	theocratic fossils	The Fred Flintstone party
Marihuana Party		single-issue	capitalists	Green all the way to the bank

Unlike the U.S., Canada’s “minor” parties often stand a chance to win in some ridings and thus be represented in Parliament. The New Democrats (NDP) and the Bloc Québécois are practically guaranteed a significant number of seats. The Greens and the Progressive Canadians (PC) are likely to win few if any, but we may hear a lot more from them in future.

How will this election turn out?

The Conservatives win a landslide majority in Parliament with less than one-third of the popular vote. Canada duplicates the U.S. election of 2000 and finds itself governed by a carbon copy of the George W. Bush administration.
The Conservatives form a coalition with the Bloc Québécois. Both Quebec and Alberta secede.
The Liberals hang on to enough seats to be able to form an alliance if not an outright coalition with the NDP. Santa Claus accepts all credit cards.
Somebody forms a minority government and we get to sleep it off for maybe a year or two.

Proportional representation has been suggested frequently of late. When will we get it? When the Flying Pigs Party wins a majority.