Bearing Up
by Matthew Hughes
part 1
Mike would kick and yell his way out of dreams where the bear was after him, his chest cold and sweat-slick, breath bellowing. When he was little, the noise brought Mom or Dad to check on him, tuck him back in, kiss the bad stuff away.
At fifteen, he didn’t want his parents coming to his rescue. Well, maybe he wanted it a little, but it would have bent his self-image. So it was enough if Mom called out, “Are you okay, Mike?” from across the hall, and he would call back, “Yeah, I’m okay.”
He would hear them mumbling about him but, in the morning, nobody made a big deal about it.
He’d been having the bear dream for as long as he could recall, although it didn’t start out as a bear. Back when he was a kid, it had been dinosaurs: dagger-toothed tyrannosaurs hopping through the patio doors, hunting him across the family room at the old house in Ottawa.
Another time, a golden-eyed tiger glided after him into the garage, and once, when he was really little, Cookie Monster had shadowed him around the day care, all goggle-eyed and blue-shaggy, peering at him from behind the activity centre.
But, by the time he was into his teens, it was the bear. It would come for him every five or six months; not that he could count on it to keep to a schedule, so sometimes it could be twice in the same week. The settings would vary, but never the sequence of events.
He’d be doing something ordinary — getting off a bus, walking up his front steps — when he would catch a flicker of movement from the corner of his eye. He’d turn, and there’d be a glimpse of something dark sliding around a corner or dipping down behind a wall.
The glimpse always shot him through with a bolt of white terror. He would back up, turn around, edge off in another direction. But if he fled the house, it would be lurking in the yard. Get back on the bus, and it would come snuffling at the automatic door. Try to outrun it, and he would feel its breath bursting hot on the back of his neck.
At the end, he would be trapped, hedged in, the bear stalking closer and closer. That was the worst part: it seemed to enlarge itself towards him, like a dark balloon swelling across his field of vision, or as if he were a lost spacewalker falling into a vast black planet.
And then, the instant before it touched him, when he was sprung tight as a musical saw, there’d come a high-pitched whine loud enough to make his teeth buzz, and he would burst out of the dream, sweating and gasping, his muscles weak as blue milk.
* * *
He’d once asked the school counsellor if she knew anything about dreams.
“Well, of course, I’m influenced by Jung,” said Mrs. Skinner, interrupting her perpetual search for order in the jumble on her desk, which was crammed into a former supplies closet beside the washrooms.
Mike stood, because the visitor’s chair was buried in books in which an adult explained exactly what you had to do to be a successful teenager. “Okay,” Mike said.
She located a form printed on blue paper, lifted her eyeglasses to squint at it, then tucked it into a yellow file folder. “That means I view the psyche as being fundamentally fragmented,” she continued.
“Okay,” he said again, edging toward the door.
She closed the yellow file, then re-opened it. She took out the blue paper, peered at it again, then slipped into a red folder, and looked up at Mike. “How do I put this?” she asked herself. “Jung’s idea was that each of us is a collection of different people inside our heads, like your personality is made up of different pieces that mesh together, well, more or less. When they don’t mesh properly, that’s trouble.”
“Trouble like scary dreams, like where something’s chasing you?”
“Uh-huh,” she said, picking up a green form and frowning at it as if willing it to change colour. “A monster in a dream might be some part of you that frightens you, some fear that your unconscious wants you to deal with, maybe, and so one part of you is trying to get in touch, to get you to look at the problem. But you don’t want to, so you run from it, but you can’t get away.”
“So what do I do?” Mike asked.
“Stop running. After all, anything or anybody you meet in a dream is only another part of you, so what’s to be afraid of?” She peered up at him through filmed lenses. “Is there something you want to talk about?”
He had a feeling that if he started talking about the bear with Mrs. Skinner, he’d find himself wandering into parts of the forest he wasn’t ready to deal with yet. Things would come up. Things like having to move here from Ottawa, like leaving all his friends behind, like being lonely, like not fitting in. Like being scared but not knowing why.
“Here” was the small town of Comox, at the end of a little stub of land that hung off the east coast of Vancouver Island into Georgia Strait. It was home to a few thousand people, many of them attached to the air force base at the landward end of the peninsula.
Three squadrons operated out of CFB Comox. One flew the big, grey submarine-hunting Auroras that wheeled over town on four throbbing turbo-props, their fuselages so jam-packed with electronic detection gear that the crew could spot a Coke can half-submerged in the Pacific from a mile high. Or so he’d heard kids at school saying.
Another squadron flew forty-year old T-33 jet trainers, the same machines that every serving pilot in the Canadian Forces learned to fly in, the fast-movers that zoomed up from the base and out over the harbour, with torpedo-shaped pods at the tips of their stubby wings that made each one look like a flying x.
Whatever he might be doing, Mike stopped and looked up when the planes went over. Especially when the air force aerobatics team appeared over Comox one bright spring morning, for two weeks of practice. He couldn’t believe how the local folks just kept puttering around in their gardens, not looking up as ten red and white Snowbirds hurtled over their roofs, practicing how to spiral up and loop down in tight turns, wing-tip to wing-tip, so fast and so just right.
Mike’s father was neither a jet-jockey nor a sub-hunter. He had been posted in March to the third group operating out of CFB Comox, the historic 442 Search and Rescue squadron. He was an Air Force SARtech, a specialist, he liked to say, “in getting people out of situations where if they had any sense, they wouldn’t have got themselves into them in the first place.”
SARtechs went out in the slow-flying De Havilland Buffalo — the big brother to the tough little Twin Otters that the bush pilots used to open the Canadian north — or in the lumbering, two-rotor Labrador helicopters. If a fisherman abandoned a burning boat, the Lab would hover in the air so that Dad could jump into the cold sea, put a harness around the man before hypothermia killed him, and wait in the water while the victim was winched to safety, and they lowered the cable again to retrieve the SARtech.
It was dangerous work. Once, a Lab was picking stranded rock-climbers off a mountain. The shivering civilians had been lifted aboard, and the last rescuer was coming up the cable, when an engine suddenly shuddered and died. With the Labrador at maximum payload, one rotor couldn’t hold the helicopter in the air. It fell, crushing the life from the SARtech dangling beneath it.
Mike’s father said there was no point thinking about it. Somebody had to go when people needed help; if it was risky, then it was risky, but somebody still had to go.
“It’s not being a hero,” Dad said, “it’s just a job that’s got to be done. It’s my job.”
“You didn’t have to be a SARtech, though,” Mike said. “You volunteered. You used to be a cook.”
Dad shrugged. “Don’t worry about it. Nothing’s going to happen.”
“But don’t you get scared sometimes?”
“You don’t let that get in the way.” His father hunted around in his mind for a moment; he wasn’t good with words. “You have to walk through the being-scared part, ’cause on the other side of scared is this other place where everything opens up, you feel really great, and... and you’re just there.”
* * *
Mike didn’t tell his father about the bear. He told Jonah Hennenfent, the only kid he’d gotten to know at Highland, Comox’s senior high school. Jonah was smallish and rounded, with hair that stood up straight and a tendency to practise new facial expressions even if other people could see them. His parents were ground crew at the base; they’d transferred in from the fighter base at Cold Lake at about the same time Mike’s family had arrived from the east.
The two newcomers had met in the principal’s office in mid-March when they’d both arrived to start school. They’d hung out together from time to time over the summer, and were still an exclusive group of two now that September was almost over.
Mike told Jonah about the bear over sandwiches and drink boxes in the lunchroom; no details, just the core of the dream.
Jonah waved his arms and experimented with a mouth-open, full gawp. “That’s your totem, G!” he said, having dipped deeply into aboriginal culture over the summer, starting when his parents took him to a performance by the Komoux Band’s story-tellers and dancers at the native Big House down by the shores of the estuary.
“As if,” said Mike.
“For sure, G,” said Jonah. “This is your spirit guide trying to get in touch with you. It goes, ‘Hey, man, let me get a little closer.’ And you’re all, ‘No way, bear, I’m outa here!’ But it’s gotta keep coming back ’cause it’s gotta make contact. You should, like, do a vision quest. Go off in the bush and don’t eat.”
Mike moved Jonah off the subject and into more comfortable areas. He told him about the time he’d been carsick and had thrown up out of the window before Dad could find a place to pull over. “I splattered these people waiting for a bus. It was just their shoes, but it totally grossed them out.”
“Yow!” said Jonah. “A drive-by hurling! Awesome!” And he forgot about the bear.
* * *
At dinner, Mom said, “You don’t seem to be making a lot of friends since we moved here. Just Jonah.”
“I’m okay,” Mike said.
Dad said, “There’s a good Air Cadets squadron at the base. You guys could join. You already put in two years with the Ottawa group.”
Mike concentrated on his mixed vegetables, separating the peas from the carrots.
“They’d teach you how to fly,” Dad said. “That’s what you always wanted to do when you were a little guy. Get up there and slip around.”
“Guess I’m not a little guy anymore.”
* * *
Copyright © 1995 by Matthew Hughes
