What’s new at the 2096 Olympics

by Thomas R.

Greetings. This is adjunct twelve of the composite mental structure Trinamurtha. For telecast purposes I’m named Carl. I’m at the bicentennial Olympics in the beautiful island continent of Lemuria. This artificially created island continent is the first working anarchy and, as the name, implies is inhabited solely by intellectually enhanced Lemurs.

The lemurs are expected to get most of their medals in jumping, running, gymnastics, juggling, and sky diving. However my composition programmed me for this day to talk about three new sports and two new nations gaining attention at these games.

New sports:

Trifecta

This is to be a test of mind, body, and spirit. The first round is a trivia competition. The questions are asked in the competitor’s own language. This round counts for 30% of the total score. The second is the bicycle race, which counts for 40% of the overall score. The third is a simulation which tests the athletes’ psychological stability. Athletes who suffer nervous breakdowns due to the test have their memory of the test wiped out but get a score of zero for this leg of the event.

In the first round the winner was an amazing upset. Everyone had presumed George Pi Erikson, a former U. S. College Bowl champion who took on the AI symbiote Pi, would easily win this event. Instead an unknown 14-year old professor from Singapore, named Lee Yi Hsien, managed a perfect score with just good old-fashioned genetic engineering and mnemonic boosting bacteria. However, being only four feet tall, Lee barely managed to finish the bike race and finished eighth overall.

The bike portion unsurprisingly went to the cyclist representing the Azores, one João Menem. As his score in the trivia competition had been good, people thought he could win it all. Then tragedy struck when he performed so badly in the simulation that he had to be temporarily committed for suicidal ideation.

So who won in the end? The odds-on favorite, the Faeroes Islands athlete Olaf Martinson. Congratulations Olaf.

Labyrinth

Labyrinth has been popular in the Asian collective states for years, but it had never reached enough continents to be an Olympic sport until now. Critics argue it still isn’t one. Last year, the Chinese Quantum Intelligences simply created popular labyrinth sports programs on all inhabited continents, seemingly out of nowhere. At one moment, no one in any nation watched Labyrinth, and the next moment everyone was watching. This alteration of reality was enough to qualify it as an Olympic sport.

Labyrinth involve working your way through a complex. twenty-storey maze that begins deep in the Earth and ends on the surface. At present, only three people have escaped the maze. The first is a member of the Anteater Republic, an enhanced Anteater named Eeki-Eee. The silver medal went to a robot named Sid, from the Buddhist Republic of Antarctica. The bronze medal was won by Helen Phi Alpha MacLeod of New Zealand. Mrs. Macleod consists of a human woman named Helen and two symbiotic AI’s named Phi and Alpha.

The Poker Dancing Relay

Poker and dancing both had problems entering the Olympics. Dancing was not seen as a sport because it seemed too much like an art; poker was not seen as a sport because no one moved. Combined, however they made it.

First, games of high-stakes poker are played. The score is of course based on how many chips the players have at the end of the night. The next night they dance. The Sicilian team of Vincent “the shark” Donati and the Epsilon mobile mentality won the gold easily.

New nations

Several new nations entered the bicentennial games, but two proved surprising. One is a very old nation not known for athletes, and another is the newest nation of all.

Vatican City: Although Benedictine nuns and monks had competed in skiing and the biathlon at the winter Olympics, this was the first appearance of the tiny theocracy in the summer games. They sent just two athletes: a juggler and an aerial acrobat.

The juggler is Brazilian phenomenon Paulo Recife, now called Padre Paulo. He missed the 2080 Olympics in Rio when a test showed he lacked the required amount of performance-enhancing modifications to qualify. After that, he entered the seminary, vowed to give up on the “phony” world of sports, and eventually took on the job as archivist at the Vatican.

Then, in 2094, the Olympics repealed its requirements of performance-enhancing modifications, so he returned to the game. The question though now is whether he’s too late.

Sister Phoebe Obaka is called “the flying nun” or “the Olympic Angel.” Born in what was once called Nigeria, she is something of a long shot as an aerial acrobat. The modification that allows her to fly is a hollow skeleton, large muscular wings, and determination. Whether she wins or loses, the lemurs seem to love her and buy up all the angel pins her booth sells. The profits go to rebuild an ancient Coptic convent in Egypt.

The Dugong Syndicate: It was long believed the Dugong were extinct, but in 2070 they were rediscovered. Using the electronically aided mind-reading devices of the time, their thoughts had become known, as well as their desire to become enhanced.

At first the project was controversial, but they insisted, “Make us smart, then you listen us. Listen us alot.” Listen them alot we sure have. The Dugong water polo team has already beaten the states of Hawaii, the Inuit Homeland, and post-France. Next up: Argentina. Can they make it all the way?

This is Adjunct Twelve “Carl” reporting. I now return you to your regular lives and return myself to the composition for re-assimilation.

[Editor’s note: Thomas R.’s “3002 Hugo Nominees” appeared in issue 42.]