Under God, Indivisible

Mysterious ways indeed

by Kevin Ahearn

Man Marries Sheep, Then Divorces!
Admits he’s gay, runs off with goat!

Loch Ness Monster Real — Scotland Doesn’t Exist!
Historian calls constitution bogus!

Only one thing missing from my life: reality. Comes with the territory. I work for the International Weekly News. I report stories people want to believe and pay money to read.

And then God showed up. Reality — more incredible, more fantastic, more unbelievable than any whopper I had ever told — took over. Not that I hadn’t run a string of “God Returns” stories over the years. Milked the holy books ragged. Hey, a guy’s gotta make a livin’.

Why not? For countless centuries we’ve believed in a Creator. We need to. Makes us feel good, gives us faith and hope and purpose. We are not alone. God is watching us. A perfect, omnipotent God we love and fear and worship and obey and fight and die for. And if we do the right things at the right times for the right reasons, when our time in this world is done, we will be with our Creator for all eternity.

C’mon, you bought into it! But whose God is the God? Thousands of religions flourish around the world. Which celebrates the right holidays, eats the right diet, dresses in the correct garb, performs the right ceremonies, reads the genuine books? Which one religion represents the real God?

And when The Almighty Creator appears to each and every one of us, how will the True God reward His True Followers? And what’ll be the fate of those who had for so long and so hard, been worshipping false gods?

Divine justice. Now that’s a story!

And then it happened. Prophets had been predicting for centuries, but we should have seen it coming. The weather guys — talk about false prognosticators — knew something was in the air. Prevailing winds had cleared the clouds away from every continent and from every island, pole to pole, even the smallest remote atolls, as if the globe were about to become a theater-in-the-round with an unobstructed view from every dry seat in the house.

I’d come into the office early. On my third cup of coffee, banging away on the fifteenth floor. Zombie Restaurant Grand Opening! Customers eat, are then eaten. They’ll lap this up at the supermarket. Chock full of my patented style, I was just about to save it when God appeared in the sky.

I’d done a host of Image of “God” stories: full-body cameos in hallowed tombs and in high-school dorms, His Holy Face in fresh tortillas and in moldy tuna fish sandwiches. Hook, line and sinker! People believe ’cuz they want to believe. It’s what faith is all about.

Not this time.

MY GOD! I shouted when it suddenly filled the sky. And I was right.

My eyes were seeing the glory. Special effects beyond belief! The face and body of God! Maybe it was the temperature or the time of day or the refraction of the skyscraper glass, but through my window, the gigantic image looked like the face in a thousand Renaissance paintings and the stained glass windows of my childhood church.

I sat stunned, my mind blank, my mouth quivering. Then the horns began beeping and the fenders crunching. For an instant, I glanced away and down. The city had stopped in its tire tracks. Car and trucks, buses and limos had screeched to a halt or been driven off the streets and parkways and the drivers and passengers got out and joined the pedestrians staring awestruck at the sky.

I didn’t know it at the time, but around the world, in the darkest night and in the brightest light, in the sunset and with the sunrise, the image of God was playing to a spellbound humanity.

Then God spoke, and it was as if the image were speaking to me personally.

“My beloved children,” the words came to me in perfect English. “I return to find the world I created much different but its people much the same. Though you have fashioned wondrous art and tools, still you lie and steal and cheat and kill. Did I not beg you once not to do these things?”

I couldn’t help myself. I dropped from my chair to my knees. Obviously, I wasn’t alone.

“Stand up,” ordered the image. “I have not come back to be worshipped. For far too long you have idolized my power and ignored my teachings.”

I obeyed and got to my feet as did millions of others. But how? If God were speaking only in English, how did everyone understand?

Later I would discover that everyone, in every language on earth, heard God — even the deaf — in their native tongue. The miracle aimed for the eyes as well. While I would swear to God for the rest of my life about the God I saw, many beheld a far different image. Was it all atmospherics, position of the sun, temperature? Or was it the tuna sandwich syndrome where the heart and spirit gang up on the eyes and make up the brain’s mind? Around the world people saw their image of God. For some, God was dark-skinned; and for others, a weathered brown. Some saw the image of youth. Others a wizened elder. Not everyone saw the image as a man; women from all over claimed She spoke to them.

“Of all the sins, the worst are those committed in My Name,” the image’s words became louder. “Who among you dares to believe you know who God is and what God wants?”

The air seemed to tremble and for a moment I thought that God would lash out and smite the evildoers everywhere. But what did I know?

“Now all of you know that there is but one God, one True God,” said the image. “I, who have loved each of you equally from the moment I created you, will love each of you without end. If you would love me, you must learn to love each other as equals.”

Could a miracle beget miracles? Only God could make that come to pass.

“What awaits you shall be my will,” said the image. “Do not expect My Hand to lift you any higher than you would raise yourselves. You shall earn great victories and suffer undeserved tragedies, but peace and happiness are yours for the making. I bless you and your world forever.”

Without an “Amen” it was over. The image faded away as if pixels were snowflakes melting in the springtime air. For a long moment I stood staring out at the blue, then flopped into my chair.

I had seen God and I wondered how many had missed the greatest, most incredible event in the history of the world. Coal miners deep underground, prisoners in solitary confinement, people who had been sleeping and didn’t bother to get up and go to the window. Or maybe the miraculous image found its way through thick walls, deep underground and into people’s dreams. Never underestimate The Almighty.

I thought about all the babies being born on the big day and for the rest of their lives they would regret having missed God. Of course, everyone who had died today got even closer to God on the very day God got closer to everyone alive.

For a moment, I wanted to turn on the TV or the radio and get online, but what was there to say? How does anyone follow God? Those overpaid talking heads, shrill DJ’s and doubting bloggers. I almost felt sorry for the lot. What could they possibly add to the sight all humanity had just experienced?

I felt it hit me down deep. No more cheating on my wife, I decided. No more padding my expense account, and for the first time in ages, I seriously considered going to church, but which one? Maybe they’d all be alike now. They’d have to be. The mystery, the debate, was over. At last, we knew God!

Then I realized what it meant. Dammit to hell! Now we know everything. I’m done. Finished. Once you’ve seen God, how could anyone go against His Almighty Word? What lie is left worth telling?

I looked at my story on the screen. Who had I been kidding all my life? One button deleted it. Now what?

Reality, more unbelievable and more fantastic than any whopper I had ever told, had taken me over. How beautiful and happy and wonderful the world was going to be. Was there anything I could possibly write that would mean a blessed thing?

Would Man no longer be able to question God? Was complete and total compliance the Divine Will? To challenge God I’d be the only hypocrite alive on earth.

Unless...

Of course!

I hit those keys.

God is a Hoax!
Space aliens concoct image, fool billions.

God forgive me, but a guy’s gotta make a livin’.

* * *

Three and a half billion miles away, four alien spacecraft rendezvoused on the far side of Pluto,

“Something we’ve never considered,” came the message from the largest ship, which had traveled a thousand light years to take part in the operation. “Suppose one of those religions on that puny planet is right?”

“A small sect of an insignificant species knowing the Almighty Creator?” responded the smallest ship. “They have yet to know themselves.”

A message came from the third ship: “But this species does claim the existence of an Almighty Creator.”

“Don’t they all?” added the fourth spacecraft.

“We have united them in the belief of a Supreme Being,” concluded the biggest ship. “That will make it much easier for that species to accept the existence of superior beings. Us.”

“How long?” asked the smallest ship.

“In time,” answered the third one.

The alien craft sped off into the galaxy.

They would return, God willing.