Latex Magic

by Byron Bailey

Gandalf, my friend, I hear that the spark has gone out of living since you moved to The Grey Havens. Just out of curiosity, would you consider The Grey Havens to be a nursing home or a retirement community? I hate to say this, but it does sound... well... rather gray there. Not to worry, though. When pyrotechnics and ensorcelled swords fail, I have just what you need to bring the magic back.

Please, take this case of balloons. If you would have had balloons during the entire Ring fiasco, you would have never been put in the precarious situation of relying on a flighty butterfly for communication. Even though it worked out in the end, balloons are far more reliable. Here’s another thought for you. If you greet a balrog with a balloon rather than a sword, its reaction might be less hostile.

My dear friend Sparrowhawk, formerly the greatest wizard of Earthsea, what can I say? I am so sorry that you lost your powers. Here. Take this case of balloons. You need them more than I. They might not stop the unending sting that you feel when the emptiness washes over you like a jellyfish infestation at the beach. However, balloons do make a great salve. Remember. Your life doesn’t have to be entirely without magic.

Let my show you. With a few twists, voilà! Is it a giraffe or is it a bunny rabbit? Dragon you say? Yes, I suppose it could be. If making a creation that can be mistaken for a giraffe, bunny rabbit, and even a dragon isn’t magic, I don’t know what is. Ah... it’s good to see you laugh again, Ged.

My lusty barbarian buddy Conan! How’s the carousing? I know barbarians don’t like to talk about magic but I think we have to talk. Conan, I fear for you. The world is dangerous enough even with magic. I would give you a long talk on the benefits of abstinence but considering how impulsive you are, I don’t imagine it would do any good. Therefore, I am going to give you the most powerful magic that I can. Take this case of assorted Trojans, extra large, and use them appropriately. They make great water balloons, too! Well, yes, I suppose I could be considered a kind of sorcerer. All I want to do is spread the magic of latex.

The sword hisses from its sheath. I feel my neck vertebrae sever, my body sliding to the ground while my head floats higher and higher like a balloon.