The New Shampoo

by Charles Richard Laing

After a rough day at the office I was lying in bed half asleep when I suddenly heard my wife let out a scream. Instantly alert I sprang to my feet and rushed to the bathroom with my heart in my throat.

“What is it?” I asked, hoping I didn’t sound as panicked as I felt. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s my hair,” she whimpered. “I tried this new shampoo. You know. The one we always see on television. The one that all my friends are raving about. It’s supposed to be so good. But look what it did to my hair!”

I gasped. I couldn’t believe my eyes. My wife’s thick head of flowing gold locks were her pride and joy. There wasn’t a blonde hair on her head now. Not a single follicle. Instead, my wife now had a writhing nest of angry-looking serpents growing out of her head. They hissed menacingly and snapped me with their tiny fangs when I tried to examine them more closely.

Wisely, I pulled my hand away.

“Well?” she asked. Tears welled up in her precious baby blues.

I smiled.

“I like it,” I said. “I think it makes you look damned sexy.”

“Oh, Carl,” she sighed. “You always seem to know the right thing to say. I think that’s why I fell in love with you in the first place.”

She launched herself into my arms. I caught her. We kissed long and hard and passionately, the same way we did when we were newlyweds. The vicious snakes attacked me, sinking their needle-sized teeth into my flesh, but I was so aroused I could barely feel them.

“I can’t believe how turned on I am right now,” my wife whispered. “Let’s make love.”

She pulled me into the bedroom. I didn’t resist.

* * *

Hours later while my satiated wife dozed, I untangled myself from her embrace and got up to take a shower. I made sure to use the new shampoo. When I finished I dried my hair, combed it, and waited.

Nothing happened. My hair was shiny and manageable, of course. It had a clean and fresh scent. But that was all.

Looking in the mirror I could see my wife standing in the doorway behind me. She couldn’t hide the disappointment in her eyes. She went back to bed. When I came back, she appeared to be asleep, but I knew she was only pretending. I crawled in next to her.

Even the serpents ignored me.