Camera, Action: Complex Scenes

by Crystalwizard and Don Webb

Sometimes you may find yourself writing complex scenes. That happens when you have to do two things: show a lot of action and at the same time describe the setting.

After a first draft, you realize that such scenes are not easy. You may have put in place all the elements of the setting and action, but they just don’t seem to come together. That’s quite normal. One of our contributors, Crystalwizard, asks what do you do when you get stuck?

If you’re not busy, would you please look at this paragraph and tell me how to fix it.

Shelves lined the walls of the general store, a random assortment of partly opened crates were scattered around, stacks of barrels occupied the corners and large display cases covered half the floor. The store was bursting with activity, customers milling about and shouting orders. The shopkeeper was busy and catching his eye proved nearly impossible.

The fuzzy grammar bear is always glad to help! But... um... this is a real toughie, all right.

Now, how shall we proceed? Let’s look for a least-effort solution, one that keeps all the elements of the original without adding much. We’re not aiming for perfection here; it doesn’t exist. No two people will write the same paragraph, and even the same person won’t write the same paragraph twice.

The important thing in this demonstration, then, is not the result but the method.

What are we looking at? Okay, let’s make a list:

Stage setting:

shelves
crates
barrels
display cases

Action:

The customers are milling and shouting.
The shopkeeper is busy.
Dale tries to get the shopkeeper’s attention. (We happen to know the name of the point-of-view character.)

The stage setting must be descriptive but brief, because the action is frantic.
Recommended camera focus: move from the largest to the smallest and mix in the action.

Dale opened the door of the general store and went in. The noise was deafening: customers were shouting orders as they milled about between the large display cases standing as obstacles over half the floor. Opened crates were scattered about, and stacks of barrels stood in the corners, framing the shelving that lined the walls. The shopkeeper was so busy that Dale knew he would have a hard time getting his attention.

Notice the progression: large to small with an intermixture of action: door -> (noise, customers shouting and milling) -> display cases -> crates -> barrels -> shelving -> (busy shopkeeper).

That’s a breakthough: Crystalwizard took the new paragraph and expanded it into four with far more visual detail and action. Pay special attention to the many and well-chosen verbs (I’ll underline them; complete verbs only). Why are they effective? Answer at the end.

Dale opened the door and stepped inside, followed closely by Kheri. He stopped and looked around, trying to make sense of things.

Shelves lined the walls, stretching all the way from the floor to the ceiling, and the store was bustling with activity. Customers wandered among a random assortment of partly opened crates, shouting orders at the harried shopkeeper and his assistants. Stacks of wooden barrels teetered dangerously in the corners, and large display cases sprouted from the floor in inconvenient locations.

Kheri pushed past him and walked into the center of the store. He grabbed the sleeve of an assistant who was wrestling with a ladder and started gesturing. The assistant paused and watched him for a moment, then nodded. He left the ladder in the middle of the floor and accompanied Kheri back to where Dale was standing.

“Welcome to Harrison’s Dry goods,” the man said, holding out his hand. “What can I get you?”

Why is the choice of verbs so effective in this scene? They all denote action, not states. The verb “to be” is used only as an auxiliary in the past progressive tense, namely “was bustling,” “was wrestling.” The writer has to make a conscious effort to achieve such a dynamic effect, and we admire the way the scene comes alive with motion.

The scene still needs more work, but it’s now a matter of details; in particular:

Kheri grabs the assistant’s sleeve and starts gesturing. Presumably Kheri gestures with the hand that is not holding the sleeve; otherwise the assistant will find himself being jerked around quite a bit.
The shopkeeper’s assistant is wrestling with a ladder in the middle of the shop. When he follows Kheri to where Dale is standing, he leaves the ladder standing unsupported in mid-air. We may worry that it will brain a few customers as it topples to the floor.
Why doesn’t Dale go over to the shopkeeper’s assistant with Kheri? Is he too shy to do that?
Since the store is so noisy that Kheri must gesture to the assistant to get him to come over and talk to Dale, how can the assistant greet Dale politely without yelling at him?

See what I mean about the scene being complex? Action and setting interrelate, and you may find elements quickly getting out of hand — sometimes literally — and creating unintended comedy.

How do you fix that? Remember that the writer works two jobs: film director and cameraman at the same time. Rather than start with the shelving, make the camera pan — that is, change focus — from larger items to smaller ones. End with the shelving. The shopkeeper’s assistant can safely prop the ladder against a shelf before leaving it and walking over to meet Dale.

Few authors have successfully depicted crowd scenes. One of the best is Emile Zola. For sheer fascination as well as instruction, I recommend his classic Germinal. For intense action and descriptions, it’s one of the world’s all-time great novels.

Now, have fun with your complex scenes, and send them to Bewildering Stories!