Women in Autumn

by Tala Bar

Chapter 3, part 1
Chapter 4
appear in this issue.

Chapter 3: Shabat

part 2 of 2

“First of all,” she started, unusually hesitating, “I did not leave your father for her. We separated a long time before I met her because I could not live with him any more. And I think he could not live with me also.”

“He always says he did not want to separate from you! He was ready to go on living together whatever it was!”

“I’m afraid your father is not quite accurate. He wanted something I could not give him, and he wouldn’t believe that I was unable to.”

Galit was silent for a while. “I don’t quite understand that...”

Shura looked at her questioningly. “Have you ever been in love?” Galit’s face and neck got very red. “Is he of your grade?” Shura asked.

Her daughter shook her head and lowered her eyes. “An older one,” she whispered.

“Are you talking to him?” The girl shook her head again. Shura could see she would not talk about him, but one thing she had to know.

“Only that — would you want him to touch you?” she insisted.

Without a word Galit nodded, suddenly raising her eyes to her mother with a new light in them. Shura could virtually hear her conclusion. ‘So that’s it!’

“That’s it,” she answered her daughter’s thought, “I could not stand your father touching me.”

“But how was it when you got married? How did you have three daughters?” Galit asked, her voice full of wonder.

“When we got married,” Shura answered with willingness, “we were good friends, Father and me. We studied together, helped each other and liked being together. I knew he loved me, but I did not know what I loved, so when he asked me to marry him I agreed. It’s true I did not enjoy it in bed, but I loved you, my girls, and I still love you no less.

“But in time I began to understand what was wrong between us. I started thinking — I read a lot and found out I was more interested in women than in men in this aspect. I told him then I had enough, I could not do it any more...”

“And he did not understand?”

“I thought he would, but he does not want to.”

Galit was silent for sometime, reflecting. “And Maya?” she asked with a tinge of resentment. Shura understood that as much as Galit was able to accept her father’s reluctance, her connection with the young woman with the golden hair was much harder to accept — as if that one was more like another daughter, a rival for her mother’s love!

“No, I met her by accident, and what I feel toward her is nothing like my love for my daughters. She is my lover, and you must understand that.”

Galit twisted her face in distaste, and Shura did not know whether she should be sorry for her daughter’s opposition, or be happy she did not feel the same way.

“Is she also like you, loving women instead of men?” Galit asked.

“She does not know what love is, either a man’s or a woman’s,” Shura tried to explain.

“Why is that?” Galit was interested now, where her personal pain was not involved.

“First of all, she was not loved by her parents, like you are.” Shura hesitated whether to tell the girl some of the facts of life. Could she be too young for that? Then Shura decided, “Her father used to rape her,” she said directly.

Galit held her breath. Her eyes filled with tears, and she turned to her mother with the expression of hard questioning. All Shura could do was to hold Galit tight and put her head on her shoulder, giving her all the love the other one had missed.

“So you see, she’s had a hard life. When she grew up, she was led into the life of a prostitute, having to sleep with men she could never love. That’s why she cannot ever sleep with any man. She’s accepted my love for her as the best thing she’s ever had, and gender does not come into it at all.”

Galit released herself from her mother’s hug and wiped her tears. Shura said, “You girls are lucky to have a loving father like Adi — even if he can’t understand that some women prefer to make love to other women rather than to men.”

“Does Maya understand that?” Galit’s rebellion was showing again.

“Maya does not need to understand, only feel, and this is good for both of us. Why don’t you come and see for yourself, perhaps you’ll understand some of it too. And you should meet Matan — you know he is your adopted brother? Didn’t you always want a little brother?”

“Not exactly this way,” Galit replied candidly. “Who’s his father?”

“I can’t say,” Shura answered.

“Is it a secret?”

“No, we don’t know, Maya and I, and it may be the best way. We wouldn’t want anyone’s interference in rearing Matan.”

“But why doesn’t she know... Oh! She slept with too many men at the same time, being a prostitute!”

“We don’t have to talk about it ever again, and I’ll ask you not to mention it to Maya. Will you come, then?”

“If you invite me,” Galit looked at her aslant. “But only for a little while, and then you can take me to a bus stop, I’m meeting some girls later on.”

When they entered the flat, Maya jumped from the couch. “You’re back, Shura!” she cried, as if she feared her friend would never return. Then she saw Galit coming in after her. “You went to meet her? I didn’t know.” She raised shy eyes to the girl. “I’m glad you made peace with each other.” Her whole expression was of frankness, and the girl opened up to her.

“Hi,” said Galit, dropping into one of the armchairs.

“Is Matan still asleep?” Shura asked, turning to his room without waiting for an answer. After a while she came back with the boy, who was rubbing sleep off his eyes. “Go to Mother Maya,” she said softly, “I’ll make tea.”

Matan went to Maya, raised hesitating eyes to her, as if not sure of her reaction. The color of his hair was like Maya’s, only a little darker and less glowing, and his brown eyes looked like Shura’s. Maya pulled him to her knees and caressed his face, but Galit sensed the tension between them.

“Look, Galit, this is shy Matan,” Maya said. “Matani, this is Galit. She is Shura’s daughter, so she is your sister. Say hello, Matani.”

Matan got himself close to the familiar woman, as if hiding from the stranger in spite of his hesitation toward his mother. “He has difficulty with strangers,” Maya said.

But Galit smiled, her black eyes lighting toward him. She was happy with her two younger sisters, but she had never had a brother, and this new feeling was very pleasant. There was something with her mother’s new family that perhaps was worth keeping, as long as she did not need to give up her father and sisters for it. Gradually, she began to understand that that was not what her mother wanted.

* * *

Tirza reached home at last. The empty apartment smelled of estrangement, as if people who loved each other had never lived there. She changed her clothes and walked restlessly about, from bedroom to kitchen, to living room and back to the bedroom, round and round as her reflections went round and round in her mind.

She sat at last on the couch in the living room, put on the television but stared at it senselessly; she zapped between the channels then shut it off, went to the bedroom and stretched on the bed. She put on the radio and listened to some classical music, changed to a talk program, returned to the music and shut her eyes. She fell into a disturbed sleep without dreams, but without comfort or rest either.

When she woke up, the radio was playing heavy modern music. Night had fallen, and a lonely star blinked at her teasingly through the open window. She looked at the clock. It was ten, and a cold wind blew through an open window. Tirza rose and closed it, drawing the curtain, shutting away the stars from her life. She went to the kitchen, made coffee and a cheese sandwich, took them to the living room, put them on the coffee table and turned on the television. It was playing an Israeli drama, and Tirza watched it with the same resentment she felt toward the blinking star.

She left it on nonetheless, but lowered the volume so she could not hear the voices. This way, she could invent her own text when she saw a man standing, talking passionately to a woman who was sitting on a couch in a living room. The woman wore a dress, which was cut in a way that exposed her flesh, and a shoe with a long, sharp heel on a long leg that swung over the knee of the other. The two seemed to Tirza to be shooting poisonous words like arrows at each other.

After a while the scene changed. Tirza turned off the television and shut off the light.

Proceed to chapter 4...