The Day I Became a Squirrel

by Jesse Auchter

As I ponder ardently to remember that incredible day, I can’t help but feel a twinge of anxiety run up my backbone like a skittering ant.

It was 12/10/02 and snow drove across the rural Pennsylvania town of Poshhocken. The night encapsulated me, and I plotted — once again — to score an eighth of Psilocybe Mushrooms.

I called a friend I’ll call”J” within the confines of my rhombus shaped, wood grained room. He picked up after two rings. “James” arrived at the front door ten minutes later with a hairful of snow and a shivering disposition.

”C’mon, Jesse, the chariot awaits!”

I opened the back door to his black SUV and sat on the plush vinyl seat with a grin.

”Twenty Bucks, o.k.?”

I nodded gleefully behind long blonde curls.

I quickly hopped out amidst the flurries and ran upstairs to my room. I decided to wait until early morning to eat a heaping bowlful of Raisin O’s and consume half the bag.

At dawn I yawned deeply as the green comforter slid off my half-nude body like a snake shedding skin. I trudged downstairs to the fridge, grabbed some milk, watched for the scanning, snooping eyes of my parents, and drank deeply from the carton.

Nearer to noontime, the mushrooms called me with a roar from their stash spot underneath my mattress. I inspected them, took note of their blue stained appearance, and grabbed two half-inch specimens with a deft pinch. They went down like lemons, but I knew that in exactly thirty minutes time I wouldn’t even care about lemons. I threw on Levis 501 jeans and a plain white T-shirt and paced around frenetically until I started to see swirling rainbows glint off the wood-grained wall.

I sprinted down three flights of stairs amidst myriad undulating and neon colored patterns. I ended up in the six inch deep snow of my back yard, laughing and spinning in circles like a child.

There sat before me three very tall Pines laced and dotted with snow. They seemed to breathe in and out every time I breathed the arctic sting of December air.

Suddenly, my ears picked up a slight cry from a branch above me. Ha! A Squirrel! I was delighted to even think of such an animal. Then I ran up to the vine ringed trunk and jolted my neck back to see a Grey Squirrel darting from branch to branch, a dance of delicate proportions.

For no apparent reason, my arms and legs began to become narrower, shorter, and lined with deep grey fur. The tree to my front gained immense proportions. It appeared as would The Empire State Building to someone peering up to its top from its very base. Gigantic! Seconds later, I tried to talk but out of my little mouth only came a brief sputter of muted sounds. I gave up.

I clawed my way up the tree with ease and confronted the twitching and seemingly nervous squirrel dangling near a pine cone.

He began to speak: ”Why do you damn humans insist on coming to the homes of my kin to demolish them with bulldozers and chainsaws! I mean, the life of a squirrel is a very perilous one wrought with difficulty and nut hunting. Can we go to my house and talk?”

”Sure!” I was too shocked to say anything more.

He and I ran in spirals down the trunk until he sprang into a small hole hidden by Ivy leaves. I quickly followed suit. In a matter of seconds, I realized I was in an elaborate diminutive “apartment” furnished with Pine-cone chairs and tables.

We sat, panting, and he began to speak while little puffs of mist came from behind his buck teeth.

”The state of this world is in dire condition. I mean, you must know that by now! Just think, thousands of acres of rainforest are stripped each day, several species become extinct everyday. This will never end!”

I retorted with my furry “elbows” on the table: “You’re right. Indeed this planet is losing the battle against humanity. It just seems that my race strives to better themselves but always ends up with a bullet in their collective feet. But at the same time, that eventuality is inexorable. And besides, the Bible states in Genesis to “take dominion over the beasts and flora of this Earth.”

He yelled, ”Get with the picture, you stupid bastard! I mean you should wake up and consider what you guys are doing. And boy, do I have a surprise for you! You see, my species and all of the other non-human species have formed an alliance to help you people in the destruction of the planet. The dolphins have begun to intentionally throw themselves into fish nets. Lions have begun to slay anything that moves, including themselves. Cows and chickens are at this very moment eating poisoned and rotten food to aid in tainting the world’s food supply. Lastly, trees are making themselves rot out on their insides so people can’t build posh vacation homes. And you don’t even want to know what the insects and the other vermin of the earth are planning to do to your cities.

“Just think, God creates Man, Man creates himself, and Animal co-exists with Man. Then animal realizes that God and Man are just bullies, so he melds together all the species to expedite the unstoppable destruction of everything! Sounds nice don’t it!”