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Action Plan!

by Craig Snyder

PRIMARY GOAL: To extend life span indefinitely, or until heat death of the universe.


Experience many wonderful things. Make strategic friends in government. Accumulate wisdom. Alleviate suffering where possible. Avoid deadly weapons. Buddy up with scientists to learn advanced bio-chemical secrets. Maintain outward appearance not like Dorian Gray but with chemicals or something.


  1. Avoid cancer. Avoid fried foods (they can make cancer in you). Don’t live by coal-burning power plants (again, cancer).

  2. Be nice to animals. They could save your life someday. Like a dog could pull you out of a swamp, if you got trapped in a swamp or quicksand.

  3. If Johnny comes up and says to you “Be in my revolution” tell him you can’t be in his revolution. Tell him you are sorry about that.

  4. Lower stress levels by being casual and not letting things bother you.

  5. Drive north and camp under a black night sky with a billion stars and stare at the stars meaningfully and clear your mind and let your thoughts flow out into space and contact aliens there and mindspeak them and let them know you will be their agent on Earth as long as humans are not harmed or turned into slaves. Politely request genetically re-engineered body whose cells will duplicate with precision and whose genetic blueprint will never degrade.

  6. Pray to Jesus. Don’t be cynical about it.

  7. Make friends with Stephen Hawking. Gain his confidence. He may reveal secrets worth knowing. You can never tell.

  8. Discover alternate universe of The Immortals. Go there. Ask for immortality. If they say no, wait until they go to sleep and steal immortality and get the hell out of there.

  9. Try to become psychic. Try to develop psychic powers, then hang around advanced research facilities and use telepathy to find out latest medical stuff, like how to cure cancer or how to put your body into stasis and get revived in the future.

  10. Unable to extend life span? Repeat steps above but with more urgency.

Copyright © 2007 by Craig Snyder

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