She Shall Live Onby Eric J. Kregel |
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| conclusion |
A quick flash of terror lighted Randall’s face. He quickly hid it, replacing his expression with confidence. “I’m sure there’s a tape or message that Mari had recorded about this. Maybe if I look... I’m sure... Absolutely sure...”
“There isn’t, dad. She made no entries about any such thing. She made entries about cooking, cleaning, dating boys, how to dress, where to go to church, and how to balance a checkbook. But there’s nothing on asking other people for advice. So now I will ask you, dad, where do I go when mom’s library isn’t enough?”
“I can’t answer this question... maybe it’s part of the entry about church... yes, she would say something about that...”
“She doesn’t. It’s missing from her entries. So, I turn to you: who or whom do I go to when her library isn’t enough?”
Randall’s confidence dissolved. He searched the note pad frantically. His mouth moved rapidly, sounding out words and phrases that meant nothing. His right hand shook.
“I’m s-sure there’s something here. She wouldn’t have left a hole. It’s too big. The library is too big for an omission. It must be here.” He fumbled through the pages.
“She did not leave any message. So now I ask you, dad.”
“Of course she won’t cover everything, but this, you would think, should be here.”
“It isn’t. Not her fault. I’m not mad at mum. But I ask you: let me know, on this important question, what you think? Give me a piece of advice that has not been recorded by mum.”
He threw down the list. He barked, “I can’t! I can’t parent you without your mother!” Randall turned crimson, shaking.
She rose, meeting his anger with an equal level of anger. “You have, for seven years! You have raised me, parented me, and supported me for seven years without her! She has been dead for seven years! You have been the one that has been here without her!”
“That’s not true! The tapes! The tapes have her, telling us what to do!”
“They don’t work! You do! She is not my parent! She’s just a recording!”
“That’s your mother! Don’t you dare...”
“My mother is gone! She is dead!” Thandie was shaking, wanted to hit someone or something. Her stomach shook. Her fingertips tingled. She couldn’t stop herself from yelling. “I wish mother had the good sense to die like everyone else instead of doing what she did! I wish she’d left us alone!”
Randall made a fist and recoiled back. His eyes on fire, he stared down at his daughter. Before he could follow through on his strike, he screamed, “Get the Hell in your room!” His fist made a point, commanding her to leave.
Thandie left her father. She did not leave her room for the rest of the day and night.
* * *
A dark, almost blue light glowed in Thandie’s room when she woke up. Her eyes opened slowly, drinking in the squares and hues of her room. She lifted her head, feeling a sharp, shooting pain in the right side of her neck. She clutched her neck, rubbing it to work out the pain.
I fell asleep, she told herself. Fallen asleep sitting cross-legged, I must have been twisted like this for hours. She straightened her back. No, just my neck is in pain.
She looked to her clock radio. 2:32 a.m. Was I asleep that long? I guess so.
Thandie had left her father, done her homework, eaten some fruit she had in her room, and started writing in her journal. When the sun set, she fell asleep. During that time, she heard no noise from outside her door.
At first, I didn’t want to see my father. But now, since it’s been eleven hours since our fight, I wonder if he’s all right. Probably asleep. Still, I just want to check up on him.
She rose to her feet. Still in her clothes from school, with the exception of her boots, she slowly walked to her door. Under her door shone a light. However, it was not the light that normally came from the kitchen or even the television set. Dark blue, yet brighter than anything coming from under her doorway.
She opened the door slowly, waiting for it to be completely open soundlessly before she stepped through. She took a careful step onto the hall runner that stretched across the hallway. She put her weight on her foot: no creak or bend. She placed her other foot on the runner, shuffling into a silent pace down to the living room.
The strange light came from her living room. Rather than going to her father’s room to see if he was asleep, she decided to first investigate the living room. As she walked closer and closer to the living room, the dark-blue light became more alien than she had originally suspected.
She came into the kitchen with the first glance of the living room. Standing on every chair, every surface, and every bookcase rested television/VCR sets. All flashing, blinking, and glowing with different programs. None of these televisions belonged to them. All from different periods of times and styles. All faced different directions, aimlessly broadcasting around the room to no one in particular.
And standing in the center of the room was Mari St. John, looking as healthy as her first broadcast to her daughter.
Mari spotted Thandie. Before the emotion flooded from Thandie is seeing her dead mother alive, Mari instructed, “Your father is the only one asleep, dreaming. You are very much awake and I am here in every sense of reality. I’ve been sent here on a mission.”
Thandie stared at her dead mother, full of life and breadth and standing in her living room.
My mother is alive. Talking to me. Telling me it’s not a dream. And any moment, I’m going to freak out.
“Go on.” Thandie suggested as calmly as she could.
“Thandie, do you believe in the after-life?” Mari asked.
“Only at church.” Don’t freak out, don’t freak out...
“Well this isn’t church and I am here,” Mari asserted. “But only for a short time. I’m on a mission.”
“Which is?” It feels real and not a dream. But some dreams feel real. What’s going on? Why can’t this be a dream where weird things happen and I just accept it? I’m full of fear and common sense: two horrible things in a dream.
“I’ve been given a chance to do one visit and do one thing while I’m here on Earth. I chose to come back home and erase all of my videos. My request was granted, so I’m here now to take care of all of these videos.”
“And what about dad?” Not only is she making sense, her visit makes sense. How can this be? How can I have a reasonable conversation with my dead mother?
“He won’t be awake for any of this. He’ll be asleep while we erase these tapes, during which he’ll have a dream explaining what is going on. Next morning, he will be rested and at peace with these tapes being gone.”
“And me? Why didn’t I get a magic dream? Who’s to say this isn’t one?
“I need your help. And it was decided that you should be a part of the process.”
“And why are we erasing all of the tapes you, at one time, thought were so important?”
Mari walked out of the living room and into the kitchen. “When I made those tapes, I was afraid to die. That Randall’s wife would die. That my parenting would die.” She opened the refrigerator, pulling out a cold can of pop. “Fear is a lousy way to live any period of time, let alone your last few months on Earth.”
She popped open the can. “And through the last seven years, I’ve seen what those tapes have done. They’ve turned me into a ghost, haunting everything in this house. I don’t believe in ghosts, Thandie. Even now that I’m dead, I don’t believe in ghosts.” She took a sip and quickly winced. “Oh, that’s horrible! Why did I ever think I’d like the taste of pop again?”
“So, you’re not a ghost?” She walked over to her dead mother. “What are you?” She touched her mother, feeling the fabric of her pink shirt. It felt real.
“I’m on loan. There’s a difference.” She took another sip, just to see if she was right the first time. She was. “Ghosts haunt. I’m here to liberate.” She walked back to the television sets in the living room.
“I was afraid of so many things, Thandie. Fear turned to control, control turned to domination, and domination turned to video tapes. Absolute foolishness.”
She pressed a record button on one of the television sets. “Now, we have a job to do and erase my image.”
“And erase our memories of you?”
Mari only laughed. She faced her daughter, smiling.
I had forgotten that smile. My mom’s smile! That’s right, before cancer and her death and everything, she used to smile at me. Half-smile, half-smirk. And ended her smiles with her wrinkling her nose, making the smile more of an event than an expression. Why hadn’t she recorded that on the videos? She never smiled, laughed, or chuckled on her videos.
Mari explained, “Oh, keep your memories. Let’s just erase the tapes.” She scruffed her daughter’s hair.
“And so you propose to erase all of these videos?”
“I think you need that opportunity to go on a date without playing a video of me before and after your date.”
“So, you want to take away the experience of having all of my dates meet my dead mother.” Her tone serious, she stood with her hands on her hips.
Mari stared back at her daughter. Mari, equally adamant, wore a stern, motherly expression. And laughed, ending with a nose crinkle.
Thandie’s stance broke, erupting in laughter. “I hated that. I hated showing videos of you....”
“They weren’t me! It was a ghost of me. I’m me. This is me. The real me.”
“But you’re dead,” Thandie said with a smile. “How can you be dead and here?”
“I’m on loan.”
“You said that already. How can you be on loan? From whom?”
Another smile. “Come, help me erase these tapes.”
The night continued. And so did the laughter.
“So you saw me when I lied on my spelling test?” Thandie asked, in mid giggle.
“I not only saw you make a forgery of your father’s handwriting in crayon, but I could read your mind. And I knew his. Randall pretended to be furious, but he still keeps the F test with his fake signature on it.”
Thandie gobbled up more cold cereal. Thandie leaned against five pillows, forming a small nest on the floor. Mari had made a similar nest next to a tall wall of television sets. Both girls on the floor, both laughing, both erasing tapes.
“Where I’m living now,” Mari stated. “We can see what people think, feel, and want. It’s funny that all of the things people try to keep secret here or even lie about are common knowledge where I live.”
“Which is?”
“Sorry, can’t tell you. Don’t you have the law of the prophets and the miracles of former ages?”
“Excuse me?” Thandie barked.
“Can’t help you. Everything about where I live now has been revealed here on Earth: it’s community access.”
Thandie changed the subject without permission and abruptly trumpeted, “I love sitting on the floor. Dad never lets me sit on the floor. He told me that you were against it.”
Mari trumpeted, “Liar! He always got mad at me for sitting on the floor. He loved his furniture and felt it ‘undignified’ to sit on the floor. He’s so British!”
“Dad’s British?”
“Oh, we’re not French. His folks came here from England. He never told you about that?”
“Never. He doesn’t talk much about himself.”
“He doesn’t talk much. That used not to be the case.” Mari reached, out of habit, for some nuts in a bowl nearby. She stopped herself, remembering what they tasted like. “I’m afraid he didn’t take the loss of his wife well. At times, I used to doubt his love. Now that idea is so far from the truth. He always loved me and still does.” She looked at the remaining tapes needing to be erased. “I wish love was enough to make someone happy.”
The sun peeked over the tops of the house next door, spilling over the southern skyline. The last tape recorded a morning news show over Mari’s last message.
“This is the last tape. I’m here on contract. As soon as it’s finished erasing and re-recording, I’m done here on Earth. I go back.”
“To where?”
Mari laughed. “Somewhere that’s given me a fresh perspective on things. A place that’s full of what’s important and doesn’t waste time in what’s not. You’ll like it, Thandie. I really believe you’ll fit in well. Already, you act in a lot of ways like someone who lives where I live.” She leaned in, speaking through her teeth. “That’s a compliment.”
Thandie’s red eyes burned. She looked through only slits, as her eyes’ sleep circles compounded. She asked in a moan, “So, any parting words?”
“You mean like my last video message? I’m through, Thandie. It was a good thing gone wrong and I...”
“No video message. Just something for me to remember you by.” She reached out to her daughter’s hands. She grabbed them tightly. It had been years since Thandie’s hands had been held by her mother. It reminded Thandie of the days she’d go shopping and her mother didn’t want her to get lost.
Whispering, Mari commanded, “Be Thandie. Simply put, be Thandie St. John. Don’t be any more than Thandie nor any less. You are quickly becoming less of my child and more of your own: journey to that end. I’ve seen the end result, Thandie, and I know it’s something to look forward to. Be Thandie.”
“Is that it?”
“That’s quite a lot! And it’s enough for me to say. The rest is up to you.” Mari looked at her daughter, who looked as though she had been running a marathon. She belted an exhale and then giggled. “It’s been years since I’ve seen exhaustion.”
“Well, you’re seeing it right now.”
Mari announced to Thandie while she yawned, “I hate to remind you, but as soon as this is done I’m gone. Everything will be restored to normal except the library.”
“Will I see you again?”
“Like this? No. But you will see me again.”
Thandie looked away, her eyes starting to shine from tears.
Mari slightly smiled. “That’s the first time you cried over my death. Do you realize that? You never grieved, never...”
“I was told you never left. That we have you in our video library. That you live on.”
“Lies. Lies told out of love and fear.” Mari shook. Her eyes glistened along with her daughter. “It’s been such a long time since I’ve cried. There are no tears where I live.” She looked up, away from her daughter. “I wanted to guard your memory of me, so I videotaped myself. By losing that testament of myself, I ended up...”
“Giving me a better memory of...”
The tape stopped. And she was gone.
* * *
Two weeks later, Thandie and Randall were sitting in the somewhat warm Calgary sun while Breton put four hearty steaks on the barbecue. They shifted on the cold wood of the backyard’s picnic table and bench.
Kendrid sat in a small fold-up chair just hovering above the ground, drinking soda pop. He chirped, “I’ve been offered a chance to stay at a friend’s cabin up north, around Jasper. It would be for a weekend. I haven’t used much of my vacation time, so I’m free to go whenever. I was wondering, would you two like to come? There are plenty of rooms in the cabin and we can keep the kids separated.”
Randall looked up, scratching his head. “I’d really like to go... I think it would be fun... I’m getting busy again with writing... I think so. Sure. Give me a date and I’ll work around it.” He added, “I’ve never seen Jasper.”
“Never seen Jasper! It’s an amazing place. Kind of makes you proud it’s in your province.”
Thandie got up and walked over to Breton hovering over the barbecue. The sun shone in spring as they watched the days get longer, the air get warmer. Breton wore his staple facial expression: mouth open, eyes wide enough just to see through, and his head bobbing from thought to thought. Thandie asked, “How’s it going?”
“I’ve burned everything. I’m flipping over some on their raw sides, but I’ve ruined our dinner.” He snorted. “You’re going to have to put up with a meal that sucks. Sorry.”
“I think we can do that.”
Breton remarked, “You’re dad’s like a new person. He’s funny, relaxed, and carries on conversations. What happened?”
“I don’t know. I know certain things happened, but I don’t know the whole story.” She left it at that, allowing the silence to explain what she couldn’t.
“Good things?”
“Wonderful things.” She put her arm around him.
Breton shrugged. He mumbled, “It’s good. All of it’s good. I guess it’s what we do to live on. Move on. Live on. You know, grow up and stuff.”
Thandie nodded.
Copyright © 2010 by Eric J. Kregel
