Channie Greenberg, Owmapow Rides Again
excerpt
 cover art by Erika Cleveland Owmapow Rides Again Publisher: Fomite Press Date: January 2, 2022 Length: 176 pages ISBN: 195323660X; 978-1953236609 |
Author’s note: Thirteen of the fifteen stories in this collection were originally published in Bewildering Stories.
Dr. Owen Brownstone, aka Owmapow, is a good-hearted fellow, a biology professor, a rescuer of oceanic fauna, a devoted brother, a teacher of science writing, and a wannabe fictioneer. Unfortunately, he is also an individual who is almost always disadvantaged by the courses of action in which he or his associates engage.
Yet, part of what makes him endearing is his tenacity. This character repeatedly attempts to embrace activities that he deems correct, no matter the number and nature of deterrents that they present. On balance, despite his innate courage, he repeatedly blunders. Dr. Brownstone remains a man befuddled by sundry ineptitudes, i.e., he is a contemporary Sad Sack, a relatively inconsequential person who is constantly confronting absurdities, even humiliations.
As such, Owmapow is all of us. He is us in his doggedness. He is us in his recurrently unexpected misfortune. He is us in his bumbling. For every moment that any of us have felt incompetent or frustrated by the caprices of empowered others or by the fickleness of providence, we have been Owen Brownstone.
Coffee Shop Crush
Dear Dr. Sylvia Anucha:
Please don’t think I’m stalking you or am otherwise weird. Simply, I saw you in the student union coffee shop, sipping what might have been a latte, and was smitten by your auburn hair. I realized I’ve seen you on campus, so I looked up your profile on the faculty pages of our college of science’s website. I’m glad our university categorizes faculty by their respective colleges.
Anyway, you’re far prettier than that blond mathematician, Kayla Morton. Plus, you have more charm than that physics professor, Anna Wu.
Whereas it might seem old school for me to contact you via email, before seeking you in person, at least I’m not employing a carrier pigeon or a singing telegram. Maybe, you’ll consider my mode of communication somewhat contemporary, nonetheless.
Feel free to search for me in our college of science’s faculty directory. You will discover that I am an Associate Professor of Biology and that I have been faithfully serving our university for many years. Prior, I worked at another school for six years.
My hobbies include teaching science writing and writing science fiction, two diametrically polar pursuits, albeit both of which make me happy. I adore critters, words, and words about critters.
Unfortunately, I’ve remained a bachelor, having had more success aiding Ostracods, seed shrimp, and Aplysia californica, California sea hares, with breeding than mixing and mingling with my own species. So, I’m inviting you to have your next student union coffee on my tab, in my company.
I’m no creep, hence, I am suggesting a very public place. At worst, you’ll spend a quarter of an hour with someone who would love to discuss biology with you. I noticed that your specialty is using neural nets to combine large numbers of cryo-EM images to demonstrate the range of three-dimensional configurations of protein complexes. Fascinating work! I wished you were housed in my department so that I might have gotten to meet you earlier. However, it’s to the Computational Systems Department’s credit that you’re housed with them.
I suppose that you know that snacking in the student union sometimes leads to having to interact with students. I find complaints about midterm lab grades to be the most annoying of those interactions, but I temper my responses by remembering how I felt when I was an undergraduate. My parents wanted me to be a doctor. I wanted to be an oceanographer. You can deduce who won.
Hopefully Yours in Friendship,
Dr. Owen Brownstone
* * *
Dr. Owen Brownstone:
Thank you for your caring words. I’m not in the market for a suitor, but I’m always glad to have a new friend. However, I would appreciate it if you were more careful in how you referred to people. Both Kayla and Anna are friends of mine.
In fact, the three of us are this city’s committee for STEM outreach to high school girls. Unfortunately, at present, girls, even those who have little trouble in identifying as mathematically gifted, are put off, due to familial, peer, and broader social pressures, from pursuing sciences and applied sciences.
The three of us discourse on many topics, as “experts.” Sadly, though, none of us are engineers. If Molly Zagstan, who is currently an Assistant Professor of Mechanical Engineering, and who is focused on micro devices used in energy systems, receives tenure, maybe, she’ll join our ranks. Likewise, if Risa Habtu, Assistant Professor of Artificial Intelligence, whose specialty is natural language processing, receives tenure, she, too, would be a welcomed addition to our task force.
No matter. When I googled you, I saw that you had some fiction published, e.g., “The Care and Feeding of Rabid Hedgehogs,” in Smarmy Friend, and “The Elephant’s Toe,” in Crazed Critters. but did not have many peer review journal articles. I would have expected to see your research written up in ICES Journal of Marine Science, Marine Policy, or The Journal of Marine Research. I don’t think that your blogs for “Shellfish and Their Landlocked Buddies” or your posts in the children’s site, Under the Sea, count. How did you earn your tenure?
Sylvia Anucha
* * *
Sylvia Anucha:
Creative writing has become dear to me. My sister, Dr. Rachel Brownstone, of Brown University, though younger, is savvy about all things involving people. She taught me how to understand my audience, that is, how to grasp the gist of what my tenure and promotion committee was seeking, and how to focus my energies on getting published in the journals that are most esteemed by them. If you look under my picture on our university website, you’ll note that my research has also appeared in Astral Flora and Fauna, Ocean Scavengers, and Waving at Biology. My committee deemed that I was a star in public outreach and tenured me under a public education clause.
Owen
* * *
Owen:
Is your sister a lady of science? I’m doubting that fact as I see the words “rhetoric” and “communication” associated with her name. If I am mistaken about her academic contributions, even though I checked the internal consistency of my hypothesis twice, maybe she can start a STEM chapter for high school girls at her university.
Sylvia
* * *
Sylvia:
She’s a humanist, or, at best, a social scientist.
Regardless, what does it mean to be your “friend?” I’m rather busy maintaining my tanks of Tagelus californianus, California jackknife clams and hatching my Pacific Lampreys. I used to raise dugongs, too.
On a different topic, did you know that obesity is more common in large amphibians, such as the South American Horned Frogs, the Barred Tiger Salamander, and the Eastern Tiger Salamander, than in small ones such as microhylid frogs, the Virgin Islands Dwarf Gecko, and the Mount d’Ambre Leaf Chameleon? Critters in captivity have lower energy needs than do feral ones and most captive animals are the smallest of their respective classes.
Maybe, I should mentor zoos and pet shops. It’s a pity that so many of the animals that are under human care sicken and die from too much food.
Owen
* * *
Owen:
For starts, a friend is sensitive toward, i.e., does not insult, another friend. I can’t believe that you had the audacity to suggest that I am overweight, explicitly, or even to suggest, more universally, that my appearance matters. Are there no men who are not chauvinists?
My third husband mocked me for my respiratory challenges, my visible excessive bulk, and my alleged difficulty moving. He even had the audacity to suggest that I was lethargic despite my publication record and my membership in our university’s beach volleyball league. It was so easy to divorce him when he was offered that deanship at Vassar College. Nevertheless, I can’t believe that the school hired such a woman-hater!
Dr. S. Anucha
* * *
Dr. Sylvia Anucha:
I’m confused as to what my concern for the well-being of ocean and estuary creatures has to do with your personal life. Next, you’ll blame me for the glasses perched on your nose or for your widow’s peak. Sheesh!
Perhaps, we ought not to correspond. Initially, I had hoped to date you. Thereafter, I was glad to be considered as a candidate for your friendship. At the moment, though, I’m not sure any association between us is wise.
Dr. Owen Brownstone
* * *
Dr. Brownstone:
You can make whatever assumptions you like. I’ve already forwarded copies of our electronic correspondence to the head of our school’s Human Resources Department. Expect a summons.
Dr. Sylvia Anucha
* * *
Dr. Sylvia Anucha:
Maybe, you could retract your complaint? I’m just an oceanographer who espied a pretty redhead in the student union coffee shop. I’m fine without any further connection to you. However, I’m not fine being labeled a gender bigot as I admired, not despised, or minimalized, you.
My sister, Dr. Rachel Brownstone, suggests that I apologize for my linguistic oversights and that I offer to buy you, strictly as a peer, a cup of coffee. Might we mend fences? I’m good with webbed, finned, and scaly critters, not so much with humans and their many nuances.
Dr. Owen Brownstone
* * *
Dr. Brownstone Owen:
In truth, you’re kind of cute, in an awkward way. My second husband accused me of harpy-like behavior. I certainly don’t want to be referred to as “cruel” or as “grasping.” I reported you on principle, not due to circumstances. You oughtn’t to call women “webbed,” “finned,” or “scaly.”
Regardless, I accept your offer of a cup of coffee in that very public venue. The beans, there, are not fresh, but the shop’s just a five minute walk from my office.
Dr. Sylvia
* * *
Dr. Sylvia:
If we’re going to try to be friends, maybe you would consider dropping those charges? In another year, I’m applying for a promotion to Full Professor. I think having a “record of incitement” will work against my best interests.
Dr. Owen
* * *
Owen:
Unlike my other husbands, my first, a green card-seeking graduate student from Croatia, never said I was too physically luscious or too vocally able. We parted only after he met and wanted to wed, that is to marry for love, a transfer student from Albania. Ironically, it was the green card that our union had bestowed upon him that enabled him to marry that little girl. Since the entire ten thousand dollars, which was her wedding gift to him, was transferred to my bank account, we parted amicably.
My point is, I like men. I just don’t like how they treat me. Maybe, I overreacted a bit to our emails. Kayla says I should retract my complaint. Anna says I should leave it be and try dating women. Kayla wins as I’m a through and through a heterosexual.
Please don’t trim your hair before we get coffee. I really like your sloppy bangs.
Sylvia
* * *
Sylvia:
Thank-you for meeting me for coffee. That green sweater looked nice. I am, anyway, confused. Do you want to be my friend? Do you want to date? Will you retract that complaint that you made against me? I thought you had already done so, but you said, while sipping that mud, that you had not.
Owen
* * *
Owen:
It’s my experience that it’s better to be friends than lovers, even if you are a man and I’m attracted to men. Thanks, by the way, for not trimming your bangs.
Sylvia
* * *
Sylvia:
My sister thinks you’re objectifying me. That’s not misogyny, but misandry. It’s not nice.
Owen
* * *
Owen:
Our exchanges are growing tiresome. I think you should spend more time researching Humboldt Squid or writing about ocean scavengers rather than trying to establish relationships with members of the fair sex.
Sylvia
* * *
Sylvia:
I think you’re right. I’d have better luck trying to get anadromous fish to breed than wrangling an actual date with you. It’s a pity. You’re as attractive as a beach at low tide and as smart as a Goby.
Owen
* * *
Dr. Brownstone:
Your last email reminded me of why it was wise for me not to drop my complaint against you. It remains on file at Human Resources. Furthermore, I won’t be too sorry if it adversely impacts your promotion. After all, you made “nice nice” to me by hosting me for a cup of horrible coffee and then had the nerve to compare me to a whale!
I don’t like women, yet I can’t help but believe that men will always be cretins. All of you are stupid, vulgar, and insensitive.
Have a Good Life,
Dr. Sylvia Anucha
* * *
Dr. Anucha:
I have almost half of a dozen witnesses who are willing to testify to seeing you drip liquified henbane into my cuttlefishes’ tank. You, too, now have a file... at the city’s police station.
Disappointed in Love,
Dr. Owen Brownstone
Copyright © 2021 by Channie Greenberg
