Farmington
by Charles C. Cole
EULIE is a good-looking big-boned kid who probably would have been the high school basketball team captain in another life. Today, however, he mostly lives his life through old action and holiday movies from the semi-privacy of his “institutional” room.
Late Sunday morning.
NURSE SUSANNAH: (Entering.) Eulie, company! (She stops his film and then turns off his television with the wall switch for good measure.)
WALTON: Hey, bro! (Following. Warmly, sliding in for a high-five, as well as to hand him the latest copy of a movie magazine.)
EULIE: (Flat, without emotion.) “Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad?”
NURSE SUSANNAH shrugs and looks to WALTON for an explanation.
WALTON: From the movie Home Alone. One of our favorites. He's being sarcastic, but he's glad to see me.
NURSE SUSANNAH: Right. I'll leave you and “Roger Ebert” alone, to get reacquainted.
WALTON: We're acquainted. Can't you see the family resemblance? Same strong jaw, same probing eyes, same large...(Flirting) hands.
NURSE SUSANNAH: I'll take your word for it.
WALTON: Eulie and me, we're the last of our family. He's what you become when the best part of your life is what happens in a movie, while I'm that small name in the long list of names during the closing credits.
NURSE SUSANNAH: Back in an hour with lunch, Eulie. Call me if you need anything. (She leaves with an ironic smile and a rolling flick of her tiny, sarcastic fingers, closing the door gently behind her.)
EULIE: (Noticing immediately. He doesn't like seeing the door shut. He sits up quickly. Though unwilling to get out of bed, he reaches out, beyond his visitor.) “Open the pod bay doors, HAL.”
WALTON: 2001: A Space Odyssey. Only if you call me by name. Call me Walton. (Beat.) Eulie?
EULIE: (More insistent.) “Open the pod bay doors, HAL!”
WALTON: Sure. Sorry, Nurse Ratchett doesn't know you like I do. Must be a newbie. (Opens door.)
EULIE: “The 3 Stooges are on in 20 minutes.”
WALTON: That's an obscure quote even for you. Pretty soon you'll be quoting toothpaste commercials from the 70s. Lethal Weapon: I knew that. You got a standing date with the TV? I get it. We'll keep this short.
EULIE: “You got a lot of nerve showing your face around here, Hauser.”
WALTON: Total Recall. I think she has a crush on me. Why does that happen every time I stop by? These nurses adore me. It's the story of my life.
EULIE: “Adored! Come on, let's be honest, Lew. You paid for the women!”
WALTON: Scrooged! (Joking) Hey, just that one time. It was my twenty-first birthday. If you could've done it, you know you would have. But, alas, no privacy in Yee Ol' Misfits Nursing Home.
EULIE: “How do you like that? Even among misfits you're a misfit.”
WALTON: Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Ouch, dude! Cut me a little slack. Say, what are you doing in your pajamas at this hour? You're going to get a reputation for being a lazy ass. And if you get a bad reputation, I get a bad reputation. Capeesh?
EULIE: “At least I'm wearing cowboy boots.” (They're slippers.)
WALTON: My Cousin Vinnie. Actually, they're bunny slippers. Say, who's the new nurse? She's a fox! Does she know she's gotta be careful around you? Did they tell her what happened to the last pretty nurse you had?'
EULIE: “They used to hang murderers at the crossroads.”
WALTON: My Cousin Rachel. Wow! Anyway, I finally got a job, but it's in Portland, so I may not make it back up as often. It's like an hour and a half away.
EULIE: “Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together.”
WALTON: Christmas Vacation! I gotta go practice being a grown-up. It's hard. Wish me luck.
EULIE: “It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great.” (Reaching for the remote control and clicks it at the TV. He's trying to “move on” the only way he knows how.)
WALTON: Hold on there, sorcerer's apprentice. Your nurse pal, turned it off from the wall. I got it. (Flipping the switch.) Try again. (Noticing.) “Are you crying? There's no crying! There's no crying in baseball!”
EULIE: “You're killing me, Smalls!”
WALTON: The Sandlot. Hey, I can't just snooze my life away in the lap of luxury like you.
EULIE: “When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.”
WALTON: Die Hard. Duty calls. I gotta pay for car insurance somehow. Instead of twice a week, I gotta cut down my visits to just Sundays. It's out of my control. You okay with that?
EULIE: “I don't bargain.”
WALTON: The Fugitive. You get to have lunch, in bed, every day. How cool is that? I'll bet you like that, don't you? No paperwork. No homework. No tests.
EULIE: “A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”
WALTON: Silence of the Lambs. You got one for every occasion, haven't you? I'm proud of you. When I come back, I'll bet you know two dozen more. Three dozen. What do you think? I love you, my own private Rain Man.
EULIE: “I owe you an apology, colonel. I always thought that you were a cold, unimaginative, tight-lipped officer. But you're really quite emotional, aren't you?”
WALTON: The Dirty Dozen. Now that's classy. Can't top that. No, sir. I'm gonna go flirt with Susannah and then I'll be on my way. You watch yourself. I don't want to hear about any disciplinary action. Remember, Mom and Dad are still watching. I'm gonna walk out of here before they add me to the roster. I'm a fresh-air kind of guy: fewer walls.
EULIE: “Jesus, I mean, you guys do nothing but complain about how you can't stand it in this place here and you don't have the guts just to walk out? What do you think you are, for Chrissake, crazy or somethin'? Well you're not! You're not! You're no crazier than the average asshole out walkin' around on the streets and that's it.”
WALTON: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Only you're not crazy; you're smart. You got a nice thing here. Who wouldn't want this? (Beat.) Eulie?
EULIE: What?
WALTON: This is hard for me. My heart's breaking here.
EULIE: “Aaah! 'Fra-GEE-leh!' It must be Italian!”
WALTON: A Christmas Story. Must be. With a mother like your mother, I guarantee it. Give me Die Hard one more time, for me. Won't you?
EULIE: Give you Die Hard?
WALTON: You know what I mean. I know: you used it once already today, but once more, for me, for your brother, like a going-away present. Do you think I can make it in the big world, with sidewalks and traffic lights? With rules? Am I gonna be the conqueror or the conquered? Which do you think? You think I'll come back in a week with my tail between my legs, like a dog that's been spooked by a little bee in its bonnet? What's gonna happen to me? Tell me.
EULIE: “When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.”
WALTON: That's the one. Was that so hard? If I gotta cry, that's a damned good reason. The perfect answer. From a perfect big brother who can quote movie dialogue the way a Baptist preacher can quote scripture on Sunday. You've got a gift. You know that? I'll catch you in a while. (Beat.) Love you, dude. (EXITS.)
EULIE: (Without looking at him.) “That's all, fffolks!”
Copyright © 2022 by Charles C. Cole
