The Replacement
by Shauna Checkley
Staring at the others on the crowded city bus, Arianna caught herself red-handed once more. Gazing into female faces, moving from woman to woman, just as she had been doing earlier at the mall. Why now though? What am I even looking for? Do I really expect to find her? She blushed at the very thought. Her head dropped down.
But her world had changed recently. Every woman was suspect now, or “sus,” as the younger circle at work liked to say. Or at least every middle-aged one was under suspicion. Every last one.
Gripping the overhead handle tightly, Arianna stood on the moving bus. As it was so full in the after-work rush hour that there was no seat available. It was teeming with office workers, students, teenagers whooping at the back, young mothers holding their babies, and so forth.
The cramped bus suddenly felt like a holding cell or container. She felt almost claustrophobic as strangers were pressed near her. Yet she knew that it was her own mind that was crowding her more than anything. Just as city transit was packed to overflow, so had her own interior become.
Arianna crinkled her nose. The bus smelled vaguely stale from the commingling of so many breaths and feet and bodies. A sweltering summer, wafts of sweat were everywhere. Perspiration was nearly an anthem.
Can’t wait to get home.
When the driver finally pulled up to her stop, she exited. Seeing her gray, mouldy apartment building across the street, she knew that the second part of her day had officially begun. Hurrah. Sort of.
Kicking off her shoes, stripping down to her underwear as it was so hot and stuffy, Arianna immediately made herself comfortable. She poured a glass of iced tea. She picked at some leftover salad.
Angel was lying stretched out on the cool bathroom tiles, elongated as cats do in summer. With her coat of long, thick, white fur she looked almost like a towel that had dropped to the floor. Oh, the poor thing. I’ve got to get her to the groomer’s soon.
Arianna then settled on her red plush love seat. She gripped her smart phone tightly.
But then it began again. That driving curiosity, that unrelenting force that had been propelling her internally as of late. What is it anyhow? What should I even call it? She had experienced it before but never quite as strongly as she did now. It had become an almost free-standing energy of its own. It was as if she had swallowed a juggernaut whole. Likely the same force that parted the waves, separated darkness from light, the waters from land, the heavens from earth, all of that and more.
She set her phone down on the black square coffee table. She tried not to look at it. She closed her eyes. Out of sight, out of mind... Maybe, anyhow.
Arianna wanted only to snatch up her phone, but she fought the urge. She resisted with all her might. But it was like trying to resist the sensation to scratch or cough. It was something automatic, reflexive, primal even.
Who is this bitch anyhow? The replacement. The one that I have been neatly exchanged for.
Reviewing the events in the blackness of her mind, Arianna mused. She saw Dominick, her ex. His manly largesse as he tinkered with his cars, the youthful clothing, the philosophical leanings to all things commercial. Then the breakup and her resuming all her solitary patterns and habits. It had been a month in the making. But she had heard through the grapevine that he was with someone else.
It didn’t surprise her, however, that he had rebounded as quickly as he did. His clingy nature and inability to be alone told her that he would never be able to tolerate single life. He would immediately couple again.
So why do I even care? Why can’t I just let it go and move on? Arianna knew that dismissing it would be the prudent thing to do. Any rational person would do just that. But she also knew that she would never be able to forgo that burning yearning to know the identity of his new woman. Who has he replaced me with? Just who? What is she like and has he traded up or down?
She had so many questions, apprehensions really. For if curiosity had dropped her in a barrel, and need set her adrift, then fear sent her over the raging falls.
Her eyes popped open. Staring hard at her phone once again, she wanted only to snatch it up. She wanted only to search social media for this woman. Stalk. Creep. Is that what I have become? Am I developing a limerence after all?
Gliding across the living room, Angel had emerged from the bathroom. She stopped to sniff and lick her mistress’s painted pink toes.
“Hey, girl,” Arianna cooed to the cat.
Angel turned and whisked away.
Unable to stymie this curiosity any longer, Arianna began to bargain internally. Maybe I’ll just have a quick peek. Who knows if I can even get on any of Dominick’s sites anymore, perhaps he has blocked and deleted me. Maybe he’s ghosting everyone, for that matter. I won’t know until I try.
A least it’s saner than hoping to randomly encounter her on the bus or at the mall. What was I even thinking with all of that? Arianna winced when she recalled her earlier response.
Reaching over, she plucked the cell phone with its red-and-white flowered Kate Spade case off the coffee table. She held it talisman-like in her hand. Paused. Like an oracle of old, she beheld the miracle device, hovering over what in earlier times would likely have been a pile of bones or colorful feathers.
You don’t have to do this. Really.
Continuing with that contrary inner dialogue, Arianna had split into competing lines, the emotional wanting only what it wants, the rational only wishing for logical closure. She had become as two-faced as Janus. It found her as curious as a child at Christmas and yet one being scolded for snooping into the gifts.
What do I actually want? The truth was that she wanted many things. It was as multi-faceted as the arms on some Hindu god.
Most of all, she wanted to satisfy her curiosity about this other woman. But she didn’t want to feel fraudulent while doing so. She wanted somehow to keep her integrity intact. She didn’t want to feel like one of the proverbial crazy trains who bull their way into others’ private lives, even if that was in fact what she was doing.
Screw it. I’ll just have a quick peek. It’s no big deal really!
Going onto Facebook, she brought up Dominick’s page. Ah, so at least I’m not blocked. But then she saw it: the post popped before her like a mail bomb. He had his arm around a brunette stranger with the caption reading: My love, Wendy. Then there was a different picture of her standing beside her white Jeep. Then more pictures of her with her pet beagle named Larry.
Studying the posts momentarily, Arianna decided that this Wendy was just an average, normal person, vaguely pretty and with a pronounced attachment to her pet. Really no different from me, Arianna supposed. But what was I expecting anyhow? The Queen of Sheba?
There was nothing to hate this woman for. She appeared like a perfectly nice specimen of humanity. Even if Arianna wanted to find fault or take offence, there was really not any case to be made.
After checking Instagram and scrolling for what felt like an eternity, Arianna arrived at the same conclusion. More of the same pert face. More of Larry the beagle. Nothing to see here.
Setting her phone down beside her, Arianna mused, Well, at least I know now. I finally have seen this mystery woman.
Twirling the ends of her hair, she stared into space. She wondered why she still didn’t feel entirely at peace. There was a nagging inner voice, another competing line, this time decidedly and passionately emotional that wished to be heard, served. Yes, I have finally seen her. But I want more somehow. Further confirmation of her existence and reality, for there was a whole world beyond the mere visual, other cues that round out the third dimension, that engage the senses.
I want to hear her. I need to hear her voice. That’s what I need. That’s what will bring a final end to this whole maddening misery. Feeling a spark of hope, Arianna then considered a strategy. I could call Dominick’s land line. If she’s present, she might pick up, who knows? She knew it was a bit of a long shot. Yet she thought it was worth a try.
Can’t use my cell phone, though. My number will show up. And I would just die if Dominick knew what I was up to. The phone booth down the block. That’s it!
Throwing some sweats on, she dressed. Then she scooped all of the quarters out of her little ladybug change purse. Without a moment’s delay, she headed out the door.
While the glare of the sun glinted off the metal phone booth, she saw her upside-down reflection in it. The heat was mirage-like, waves rolling on the black asphalt. She felt a dizzying high while in it.
She dialed. It rang and rang. Just as she was about to hang up, there was a pause as someone picked up on the other line. A woman said, “Hello”.
Oh my... It’s her! Arianna’s heart leapt.
“Hello? Can I help you?”
Listening with her whole might, Arianna hung on every syllable.
“Hello?”
Then the woman hung up. The line went dead. Arianna set the receiver back down and headed home.
Lying in the darkness of her bedroom, she sprawled out on the cool, white cotton sheets. Angel joined her almost immediately. They lay apart on the bed, as it was too hot otherwise.
Like a storm was gathering inside her, Arianna felt a tumult within. I saw her. I even heard her voice. So, what else is there? Why is this fear and curiosity or whatever it is still licking at my fingers and toes, gnawing naggingly at my entire being? What more do I want? Am I really this insecure? What is my problem?
She pictured Wendy in her mind’s eye. She’s just going about her day, her normal life. But does she realize that another woman, a stranger, has taken up residence in her shadow, hiding in her profile and presence?
She shivered. Rolling over, she stared into empty space. She stared until the day eventually turned over to night and the hot fever that had gripped the city finally lightened and broke.
Copyright © 2023 by Shauna Checkley
