You Never Know What Will Turnip

by David Siegel Bernstein

Welcome to my reality. Here, take a seat; you don’t look too good. Don’t worry about it; many Dimension Hoppers get queasy. Deep breaths. Good.

At least now you know why we call new travelers “green.” No, don’t get up. The green comment was meant as a joke. You know, self-deprecating. We’re allowed to do that. We just don’t like it when you out-dimensioners make those kinds of jokes.

You’ll get used to our humor. Your people have laughed at our uniqueness for so long that we like to play the carrotiture... sorry... caricature. My bad.

We like to live up to our billing. After all, your scientists have repeatedly told us that we are the most peculiar race among the multiplicity of possibilities. They’ve gone so far as to tell us that we defy evolutionary theory in 99.9% of all mapped dimensions.

Evolution? Who believes in that? Everyone knows we are all created for a purpose.

I can tell by that look on your face that you want to know what that purpose is. We get that question a lot. The only proper response for this blasphemy is simply to ignore the question. Sorry. It’s doctrine.

The truth is: it is you that we don’t understand. You see, to us, being able to transform from a human into a vegetable makes perfect sense. There’s no reason for us to think too hard on it because it isn’t for us to know the Creator’s plan.

I think you D-hoppers need to rise above your religious bias. Misunderstanding has a way of leading to tragedy. Take the heroic tale of Ralph Franklin as an example. He was a decorated military officer and the first dimnaut to travel to another dimension. Tragically the journey caused him to carrot prematurely. The locals in the other dimension found him and he went from a Ralph to a Julienne. True story!

It was years before we made our peace with them. Come on now, who eats vegetables? The whole situation was like something out of that horror story your Beatrix Potter wrote. You know the one I’m talking about; the story about the Evil One: Peter Rabbit.

Now, I’m not saying we live in the Lord’s Paradise or anything. No, not as long as the Fruits live among us. They just aren’t natural. Take my uncle Henry for example; we only learned his dark secret when he finally made the change. The shame. He was secretly a Fruit. A rotten apple!

Just keep in mind that what we transform into is dependent on how we live. Once we turn into a vegetable or Lord help us, a Fruit, we can never turn back. The reason should be obvious; even to you Hoppers. Vegetables can’t think. It takes a conscious effort to change, so we can only do it once and that’s it.

Our President, clearly a vegetable — it’s obvious from his smirk and language skills — has done his best to stop Fruits from propagating. He’s trying to have a ban on Fruit marriages written into the Constitution. It’s a good start. Now all he has to do is prevent mixed marriages and we can nip the Fruit problem in the bud. Well, maybe someday. Who knows?

Well, enough with the small talk. Any questions? Good. I hope you enjoy your stay here.