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Floozman: First Episode
Figs* and Riesling

* Depending on availability

by Bertrand Cayzac

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Part 10: In the Secret Catacombs

“With a scandalous abundance, he brings deliverance”

Fred Looseman used to be the head risk assessor at World Wide Credit Corporation and the chairman of the Anti-Money Laundering Commission. Now he works as an automated teller machine repairman.

Sometimes he hears voices, and sometimes what he hears moves him to tears. His bank account overflows with the money of deliverance, and he becomes a financial super-hero: Floozman.


At the same time, in the Ortenberg castle’s secret catacombs, at the heart of the peak that towers over the plain of Scherwiller, engineers from Phobos are bustling about around a huge metallic sarcophagus. The anti-globalists who have managed to enter the wide room form a ring round the scene. A dozen dwarves are bound hand and foot in a corner.

Forgotten by all, the old consultant paces back and forth, awaiting the most favorable moment to approach Jenny Appleseed. The old cleaning lady observes carvings on the rock face. She thinks she can make out some submerged tubes and a womb in a repeated pattern, but she does not trust her eyesight. Still she tries to decipher the texts written in an ancient Alsatian dialect.

“Here we are,” the ghost says to Jenny Appleseed. “We have found the partisans’ treasure that was hidden after the battle. It’s in this incredibly complex underground system: the castle’s subterranean passages, new galleries dug by bandits, catacombs built for the battle’s dead, ancient iron mines and tunnels even more ancient, not to mention natural caves... With regard to the treasure, let me remind you of our agreement: fifty-fifty at market value.”

Jenny tries to assess the situation. First things first. The police cannot be far away. She leaves aside for the moment the question of the ghost and all the inexplicable phenomena. She leaves the rest of the treasure aside for the moment, as well, because she no longer really needs it. She concentrates on the mummy.

But can she really trust Phobos? What kind of vision can these technicians have? Wouldn’t she have sufficient grounds to take control of the operations? In the background of her thought, a part of her mind makes five-century forecasts. Jenny Appleseed is the only human being who can make predictions valid for five centuries in the future. But is she still human?

“Sure, Phobos is taking care of everything. Do we have a comprehensive map?”

“No, Madam. Only the layout of the galleries leading to this crypt and the results of partial soundings. This network may extend dozens of kilometers in length and several dozen meters in depth. If you go down, you’ll certainly feel the heat... with your body,” the ghost goes on in a dreamy tone.

The little man with a latex coat joins them. “We have not been able to unseal the sarcophagus. A mechanism seems to have jammed. But I can tell you there is a human body inside, in a crystal cylinder.”

“Great job, Schtroumpf! Tell me, how is the body?”

“In perfect condition! It’s incredible, it looks like... It’s alive.”

“We must get it! This technology can save Cosmitics centuries of research.”

Meanwhile, moving hunched over, Gina and Steven come stealthily closer. Now they are hidden behind an electrical cabinet.

“Aren’t you feeling hot, Gina?” whispers Steven, very excited by what is going on.

“Shut up! Not now! We have to wait for the squad. What are they doing?”

The old cleaning lady is still standing at the same place. She passes her fingers over the damp engravings. She knows this text. Her grandmother used to recite it to her, for no particular reason, or when she wanted to frighten her a little, at night, in the countryside. She reads it in an undertone.

She-wolf mummy!
Funds defunct, money demonetized
Profits lost, alphas omegatized
Armies unarmed,
Terms terminated,
She-cat mummy!
Bonds unbounded, dividends undivided
With you the life of truth!

The engineers are trying acid: schhhhhhhhhhchshchshchshchs.

Acrid smoke sticks to the ceiling. Somebody coughs. The sarcophagus does not move.

“We may want to organize site security,” the old consultant says in an aside to Jenny. “I know the standard procedures and crisis management. If you agree, I can...”

“Shut up!”

The engineers are trying low-frequency vibrations: buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz.

Everyone feels the shock waves in their bones. The electrical cabinet wobbles. Supported by this scansion, the old cleaning lady continues reading in a loud voice.

She-wolf mummy!
Funds defunct, money demonetized
Profits lost, purses pursued
Armies unarmed,
Terms terminated,
She-cat mummy!
Bonds unbounded, dividends undivided
With you the life of truth!

Then, with a dreadful roar, the huge metal block detaches itself from the wall, releasing a torrent of muddy water. It falls heavily to the ground and is immediately swept away on the stream towards a gaping trap door which had not been there a moment before.

Bewildered and speechless, the crowd watches it slowly topple and disappear into the bowels of the earth.

The old consultant recites: “I am: (in the secret Sherwiller catacombs, under the castle of Ortendberg); I see: (water flooding the galleries); I am asking for: (rescue).”

The electrical cabinet, made unstable by the water spreading rapidly on the ground, falls over, unveiling in a shower of bluish sparks the two police officers clasped in each other’s arms.

“Freeze! You are under arrest!” shouts Gina, waving her revolver in all directions.

The lights go out and come back on and then go out again, leaving the scene in total darkness punctuated by screams.

Equipped with infra-red glasses, the engineers from Phobos are evacuating Jenny towards the trap door where the sarcophagus disappeared. With her they take Schtroumpf and, just to be sure, the old consultant who has not moved from Jenny’s side.

Now the ghost diffuses a spectral glow. Every hair of his glorious beard is like a fiber-optics cable conducting an iridescent light.

“Follow me!” he orders the mob, pointing to the mysterious opening. “We are in a state of revolution! For a thousand years the collective ownership of the kingdom on earth! This path is the one the freedom fighters have prepared for us! Be confident.”

“I will stay. I will surrender to the police. I am too old,” says the cleaning lady. The ghost kisses her and leaves a bit of his glorious body for her to wave as a white flag. “You are an invaluable contributor to the revolution! We will be back to liberate you, sister!”

“Stop!” Jenny says at the instant when they begin the descent. “Go and fetch a dwarf, quick! And don’t get shot!”

Gina and Steven are still firing gunshots in the dark.

* * *


To be continued...

Copyright © 2005 by Bertrand Cayzac
Dépôt S.A.C.D. 174 627

to Challenge 354...

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