That Thing With Feathers
by Sacha Moore
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Table of Contents parts: 1, 2, 3, 4 |
conclusion
As they made their way back to the marina, Tabitha noticed that Doug kept drinking beers. He asked her if she wanted more to drink. She acquiesced and started getting a little dizzy, but it was an almost pleasant feeling, the tuned-in energy she was getting off of Doug became more exciting rather than scary. She gave in and let herself enjoy the sea breeze and gentle sway of the boat. Maybe she could have a life that approximated Emily’s. Maybe one day she could actually manage having a boyfriend.
She thanked Doug for the book and told him she was touched how he sensed her desire to leave Bethel. He laughed and said it was pretty hard not to: “You really hate it there, don’t you?” he asked her.
She nodded emphatically but added, “I know the world has so much more to offer, and I’m just not going to find it in Bethel.”
He smiled demurely and said he would expect no less from her. When they got Serenity back into the slip, Doug touched her arm, gently. His voice became soft and his face and beery breath were close: “You’re exquisite. Beautiful. Smart. Observant.”
Isn’t that what they all say? Her mother often fell for it. Gloria reasoned, what’s the harm in believing it? It made her feel so good, and it’s never a lie, at least in the moment it’s uttered. Tabitha was of the belief that beauty comes cheap. If all they have to do is utter that phrase and convince you that they believe it, that is enough? Enough for what? To get you to kiss them? Have sex with them?
Tabitha was confused because it felt amazing to finally be noticed but at what cost? By kissing him, wouldn’t she be betraying her mother? Tabitha did not know what to do. So she stared off into the dusk, wishing the water would provide an answer. She really liked Doug. She really liked his world. She was attracted to him. He seemed so gentle and kind and together. Not that he wasn’t unhappy, perhaps, because everyone was secretly lonely and afraid; you knew, if you got to know them well enough. The question was how well one covered for it, and Doug seemed to do a decent job of it.
But then Tabitha had to wonder: had he always been after this moment since he first saw her? Was his desire for her, while strange and exciting, a negation of the sincerity of his earlier interest in what she thought was her as a person, not necessarily a sexual person? And not for nothing, but isn’t it a bit odd for him to make a pass at her while ostensibly dating her mother?
He took her hand, stroked the back of it with an index finger, slowly, and asked quietly if he could kiss her. She could feel his attraction to her and, in that moment, it was not unwelcome. She imagined he could sense all her confusion, misgivings and desire and with this knowledge he turned her face toward him and pressed his body to hers and he was warm and woodsy and boozy while the inside of his mouth was hot, yet smooth. His tongue practiced, moving expertly. He knew, thankfully, what he was doing. And that was good. He was good.
Yet another part of her railed against him, wondering if this was his way of wantonly wrecking boundaries and causing rampant psychological destruction. Suddenly there was a crash from inside the boat and Gloria called for him. He was her mother’s boyfriend! What was he doing?!
He turned around and mouthed, “Don’t go,” as he ducked down below to tend to her mother. Tabitha quickly clambered off the boat, breathing heavily, uncertain and unhinged.
Tabitha started running along the dock unsure of where she was going. To the main building? To Doug’s car? Actually it didn’t really matter; she just needed to get away, to collect her thoughts, to try and process what just happened.
“Pssst,” Tabitha jumped and whipped her head around. Out from behind Her Majesty came a girl, probably about her age, wearing a fitted blue oxford shirt and jean cut-offs. It was early in the season, but this girl was already tanned, with a spray of freckles on her nose and blonde streaks in her thick, straight honey-brown hair.
Intrigued more than taken aback, Tabitha followed this lithe creature as she walked assuredly amongst the sailboats, completely comfortable and at ease at the marina. When they got to the end of the dock, the girl sat down and took out a metal flask and took a swig, then screwed up her face. She handed the flask to Tabitha.
Tabitha took a sip and then coughed for about five minutes. “Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it,” the girl told her in a husky voice. Tabitha just stared at her. She was, in fact, beautiful: a mix between a wholesome teenager you’d implicitly trust to watch your kids and something else just beneath the surface, something suggestive.
A hint in the thickness of her lips or the over arch of her eyebrows promising a burgeoning sexuality only waiting to be unleashed. A sense that she wouldn’t turn down the kids’ father should he proposition her while taking her home. “I see the way he looks at you,” the girl said to Tabitha. “You are so lucky.”
Tabitha’s mind was racing. How does this girl know her? Everything seemed a bit wobbly. Too much strangeness was happening all at once, and she wondered if she might be hallucinating. “Is your name Emily?” Tabitha blurted out.
The girl looked at her askance. “Who is Emily?”
Emily. Right. Tabitha got ahold of herself, “Someone I wish I knew. Sorry. Um, how do you know me? How do you know Doug?” The freckle-faced girl told Tabitha her name was Serena, and that she had been Tabitha once. “What I mean is, he used to look at me the way he looks at you. I know the pattern, and I hate it, I hate it and yet, I can’t seem to get over him.”
At this point Serena started to cry. Tabitha was unsure of what to do. Tell her it’s okay? It clearly wasn’t. Take her hand? That seemed a bit forward. Finally, she said, “I don’t think it’s going to work between Doug and my mom, if that makes you feel any better.” This only made Serena cry harder.
Through her tears she started to tell Tabitha how she met Doug, through one of his sons at Groton. That there was a way he paid attention to her, asked her questions, actually listened to her and was pretty insightful for a middle-aged man. And so different from her relatively cold and indifferent parents. She said he was gentle and kind, yet assuredly masculine. An apt description Tabitha assured her.
Serena went on to describe an affair that would involve her going into Manhattan to see him. Or he would come pick her up and take her to his country house in the Berkshires. She said it was happiest four months by far in her entire life. Tabitha said she was young and had a lot of time for happier moments. This too didn’t go over very well.
“I guess you were okay with this arrangement? With the secrecy?” Tabitha asked.
“Jesus, you’re such a square! That’s part of what made it exciting. But honestly, he wasn’t in love with his wife. Hardly any married couples are. Come on. My parents aren’t in love with each other either. And yours obviously aren’t together.”
“I’m sorry,” Tabitha said. Serena said she would do anything to get that feeling back. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world, better than any drug, any escapist fantasy. To feel so cherished and wanted. Since Doug ended their relationship, she had been beside herself in a sort of self-induced agony.
Tabitha believed Serena. Beneath the words, Tabitha could sense her loss; clearly the girl was in the throes of something awful. But Doug had described her as this crazy girl obsessed with his son. Is that how he truly thought of her, or was he afraid the truth would derail his relationship with her mother — or, gulp — with her?
“Is that why you’re here?” Tabitha asked her.
“Yes. And to see whom he has chosen next, to relive the experience through you—”
“You mean my mom.” Tabitha was pretty sure Serena had not seen Doug kiss her.
“No, I mean you.”
“Me?”
“It’s you he lusts after, I can tell. The way he watches you, it was like that with me. At first.”
Tabitha was curious about Serena. She found out that Serena lived in Darien, two towns over from Greenwich. Her life had the markers of the coveted elite, yet Tabitha, by dint of courting Doug’s affection, had been allowed a private viewing into this strange world. She wasn’t sure if she was envious of Serena’s lifestyle or relieved she wasn’t burdened with this level of suffering.
Tabitha tried to help. “You’re so beautiful. You could have anyone you want. I’m not sure Doug is that great. I mean. I’ve watched my Mom date a lot of men, and it just seems like he’s the kind of man who’s not into committed relationships. Look how quickly he went from you to me. It’s a pattern, I’m not sure it’s even that personal.”
“But I thought I was different.”
Yeah, don’t we all? Tabitha mused. But she kept it to herself.
She wondered why Serena and Doug’s relationship ended and proceeded to ask.
“I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. I loved him. He told me he loved me, too, and I believed he did until he, just, like... didn’t.” The tears began anew.
Tabitha sighed. Doug had the magic. Some people had it, they know how to wake that latent spark inside you, one that you weren’t even aware existed. But upon realizing it, it seems to be the answer to everything: to all the pain, loss and heartache you’ve ever known. And the world, for a time, becomes resplendent. You think it’s you, your true self, a divine spark that this person has unleashed.
But then you come to find out they know just enough to make you think it’s you. That was the conceit. And it could vanish, go up in smoke, at any moment. Doug, who seemed to be a player but able to conceal it well, could just move on. But to prey on young girls who had not necessarily built up enough defenses to combat the underside of what they naively thought was love was pretty reprehensible.
This was the only time Tabitha could recall being thankful for living through her mother’s myriad of mournful men. Tabitha had seen enough of it with her mom, but with men who had a lot less magic, since Gloria’s standards didn’t tend to be that high. Tabitha could remember her mom dating a guy and the relationship seemed to show all signs of going well and then: poof! He disappeared, leaving her mother completely bewildered.
Then Tabitha and her mom would have way too many conversations trying to figure out what happened. “Was I too interested? Not interesting enough?” But after a while it dawned on both of them that it wasn’t really about her mom at all. She had fallen for someone who didn’t want to engage in the actual work of being in a relationship.
It was in that instant that Tabitha was suddenly flooded with love and relief for her mother. Because as kooky and ridiculous as she could come off, at least Tabitha had someone in this world she trusted and who truly cared about her, even in her not-always-paying-attention way. This poor girl seemed to have no one.
What is wrong with people? Tabitha thought as she held this sorrowful Emily in her arms. Serena was miserable and didn’t, at this point, seem to have anyone. Tabitha ached to go back to the grimy kitchen table, making food her mother would rarely eat, and watching old movies.
And then Tabitha realized she needed to face reality. Which meant coming to terms with what Doug did to all of them was practically unforgivable. And that she had best give up her Emily fantasy.
When Tabitha made her way back to Doug’s yacht — he was passed out — but her mother was awake — just staring into space. “Oh, hi, Tabitha.”
“Weren’t you worried about me?”
“Oh. Gee. I figured you would turn back up. I’m still not feeling so hot. I’m not sure what he gave me.”
“Um, Mom, can we go somewhere to talk?”
After Tabitha told Gloria what had happened, Gloria immediately took her side. “I think we can leave right now. There is no need to stay any longer. There is a lot I’m willing to put up with, but not this.”
Tabitha and Gloria packed up their belongings. They went to find Serena, who was staying on her parents’ yacht, who offered to give them a ride back to Bethel. Serena said she was thankful for both of them. Though it was a bit unclear how soon she would be able to get over Doug.
A few days later, Tabitha and Gloria were sitting at the kitchen table. “You know, there was always something I didn’t quite trust about him,” Gloria said.
“You were right, and I gave you a hard time. You were finally dating someone I thought was decent. Boy, did I get that wrong.”
“Your judgment was clouded because he liked you.”
“Yeah, it can feel nice when someone likes you, but I didn’t realize exactly that he liked me that way.”
“I should always trust that vague feeling I have that something is off.”
“I know. I wish we’d paid more attention to it.”
“Oh, my baby, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I hope it doesn’t scar you for life and make you hate men forever.”
“Does it make you hate them?”
“Oh no, I’m already over him. And get this... I think I’ve met someone else.”
“Already?”
“His name is Ralph. He has a plane...”
Tabitha made a vow to leave Bethel for New York City as soon as she could. And while she had dispelled her Emily fantasy, she still held out hope — that thing with feathers — that maybe one day, Gloria would be willing to leave, too.
Copyright © 2018 by Sacha Moore
